#39: Poor Mallory!
I have been lax in my duties. I would make some sort of semi-witty comparison between myself failing at updating and Claudia failing at writing above a second grade level, but by this point you can probably fill in your own joke for that one.
Claudia, Mallory would like us to know, "is so dibbly sophisticated and chic. She wears wild clothes like big hats; flowered vests over long shirts that belong to her father [I wonder how super-conservative Mr. Kishi feels about Claudia appropriating his business-casual wear into her bizarre fashion concoctions] and which she leaves untucked [GASP!]; short black pants; and then, something just a little offbeat like penny loafers from the 1950s with white bobby socks. And her jewelry. It's the height of dibble-dom. [These are the words on the page. I swear to God.] She makes most of it herself - ceramic-bead necklaces and big dangly earrings, but in shapes you wouldn't expect. For example, in my ears I am allowed to wear studs or very tiny gold hoops. Period. [oh, okay.] Claudia might wear a monkey in one ear and a banana in the other."
And then she might wear a condom in one ear and a dildo in the other. Because she's Claudia. You can't tie her down. You can't tell her what to do. And god knows you can't teach her how to spell.
Hey! Looks like I had it in me after all. Ahhh, nothing like taking stabs at borderline mentally-challenged fictional teenagers. Claud, I love ya baby. You know it's true.
I have been lax in my duties. I would make some sort of semi-witty comparison between myself failing at updating and Claudia failing at writing above a second grade level, but by this point you can probably fill in your own joke for that one.
Claudia, Mallory would like us to know, "is so dibbly sophisticated and chic. She wears wild clothes like big hats; flowered vests over long shirts that belong to her father [I wonder how super-conservative Mr. Kishi feels about Claudia appropriating his business-casual wear into her bizarre fashion concoctions] and which she leaves untucked [GASP!]; short black pants; and then, something just a little offbeat like penny loafers from the 1950s with white bobby socks. And her jewelry. It's the height of dibble-dom. [These are the words on the page. I swear to God.] She makes most of it herself - ceramic-bead necklaces and big dangly earrings, but in shapes you wouldn't expect. For example, in my ears I am allowed to wear studs or very tiny gold hoops. Period. [oh, okay.] Claudia might wear a monkey in one ear and a banana in the other."
And then she might wear a condom in one ear and a dildo in the other. Because she's Claudia. You can't tie her down. You can't tell her what to do. And god knows you can't teach her how to spell.
Hey! Looks like I had it in me after all. Ahhh, nothing like taking stabs at borderline mentally-challenged fictional teenagers. Claud, I love ya baby. You know it's true.
Mallory-books are great, because I think she's the one who uses the stupid slang like "dibble" the most. I like to think that the older BSCers made that word up just to see if they could get Mallory to repeat it, and they laugh every time she uses it.
ReplyDeleteI think the general consensus among most readers in my school was that Mallory was a whiny PITA. But I found that I could relate to her the most. This is the one where Mal's dad got fired, right?
ReplyDeleteDibble? I didn't know the Pikes were related to the Flanders family.
P.S. I love your blog.
OMG! CONDOM IN ONE EAR AND DILDO IN THE OTHER?! I AM DYING!!
ReplyDeleteShe might wear them, but she also might not. You just never know with her! She's so crazy!
ReplyDeleteI think I'll start using the word dibbly in conversation. No. No, I won't.
Are the babysitters aware of a sexual world? Somehow, I doubt it.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise they would not use a word like "dibble" which I will, from this moment henceforth, substitute for "cum, which has somehow found its way into my hair."
Thank you, Dear Ann M.
Perhaps you would be interested in http://community.livejournal.com/bscovertocover/
Oh my god.
ReplyDeleteI just found this blog, and I am... baffled... and amazed... and in awe.
You're amazing. I don't even know who you are, but you must be.
I think that someone now needs to create a blog where someone actually assembles the outfits Claudia wore and posts pictures of themsleves wearing the ridiculous ensembles. Bonus points if you have pictures of yourself as a much younger person attempting the style!
Ohhh man.
Anyway, I love this blog.
Because I am Asian, I was fairly certain I'd grow up to BE Claudia Kishi-- except, I knew how to spell. This led to a lot of really horrendous school pictures. In retrospect, I should never have been let out of the house.
ReplyDelete---
Is this the best blog on the entire internet?
Probably.
I think I love you.
I like how Mallory inflicts her own rules and family drama. In the book where she got her ears pierced, her mom specifically told her NOT to only wear studs or hoops.
ReplyDeleteClaudia's monkey/banana combo may have been mostly responsible for my purchase of one (1) earring set showcasing one (1) mouse earring and one (1) mousetrap earring.
ReplyDeleteSomeone sent me the link to this blog today and it made my day infinitely better. Thanks for making that possible!
If Claudia is, you know, alive today, I totally think she sells her jewellery through http://shanalogic.com/
ReplyDeleteEverything I see on there makes me squeal 'dibbly fresh!'
And I once went to an 80s night at a club in a Claudia-inspired outfit and got a lot of compliments. Because Claudia is awesome.
Do you also recall when AMM tried to make us think that "distant" was a cool adjective? I think it was used to describe one of Claudia's fedoras like trying to replace "far out." I realize it's no dibbly, but you know, that's Mal. She is one silly-billy-goo-goo.
ReplyDeleteThe condom-dildo combo would be Claudia at college (I don't know how she got in), skipping all her lectures to volunteer at the Safe Sex stand in the student union.
ReplyDeleteUm, Jennie, hello? You know Claudia went to art school instead of college, or at least one with a heavy visual arts program whose classes she would never miss bcoz she loves art! I could totally see her trying to rock some condom jewelry (bracelets! earrings! rings!) and probably an adjustable cock ring bracelet.
ReplyDeleteThis outfit sounds a bit like the ghostwriter had watched too many episodes of "Blossom" (liked that show, but ewww on the outfits). P.S. using the term "offbeat" in a description of anything about Claudia is so redundant! The wackiness speaks for itself in the description.
ReplyDelete