Damn England, What Happened?*

A while back, Alexandra sent me a series of images so horrible that I think my brain short-circuited. U.S. readers, are you aware that other countries have defaced these classic works of literature with cover images like the ones you see below?

I can only imagine that this is payback for the Revolutionary War.

I ended up taking an unplanned sabbatical from blogging (and honestly, that may resume after this entry, who knows) and never got around to sharing these monstrosities. Then I woke up around 3:00 a.m. this morning thinking about them. So here they are in all of their poorly-drawn glory.

And there are more. Many more. Alexandra told me she has a near-complete set of these things**. It's almost too much to process.

Claudia and the Genius of Elm Street

Not too much to complain about here -- dude did a real hatchet job on Rosie Wilder, who was super cute on the OG cover, but Claudia looks passably human. And she's got some sort of groovy Woodstock-inspired ensemble going on. Respect.

Grade: E (Excellent amount of jewelry)

Dawn and the Older Boy

There's a lot that's wrong here, and I'm not just talking about Travis. (I didn't think he could be more creepy than he was on the original cover, but here we are. There's a light in his eyes that suggests he's contemplating where he's going to bury all the bodies.) Why is Dawn suddenly sporty? She's wearing some crazy jersey that clashes with her turquoise shirt and pink pants -- so not California Casual, y'all. Is she having another identity crisis? And there's no way Dawn would ever drink a Coke. We all know Dawn is perfect and her body is a temple and she has no vices whatsoever and she exists solely on sprouts and self righteousness.

Grade: S (Shenanigans)

Mary Anne and Too Many Boys

Shit just got real. Why did they put that ugly little boy in a dress? Oh, that's supposed to be Mary Anne? Really? 'Cause that face looks like, I don't know, bad Justin Bieber fanart. Swear to god, even the bird on the pier is giving her side-eye.

Grade: G (Gender confusion)

Claudia and the Middle School Mystery

So maybe I've been watching too much Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, but I'm mildly concerned about Mr. Zorzi's creeper status. I know, I get it, she's taking a retest and he's suspicious or whatever. But. Doesn't it kinda look like he's checking her out? Watch yourself, Zorzi.

Grade: C (Consider calling Stabler and Benson)

Stacey's Choice

She chooses to wear Chuck Bass-style silk pajamas, and that's all there is to it, okay?

Grade: I (Intense eyebrows)

Keep Out, Claudia!

What's scarier, the mutant racist children in business casual or the clown (?) on Claudia's shirt? Mad props for rockin' the fringe vest like she's a nastygal model, but the orange sweatshirt has got to go. She's definitely considering killing those kids, by the way.

Grade: R (Reconsidering babysitting as a viable career choice)

Kristy's Big Day

I saved the best for last, folks. I'm so horrified by this cover. Crazy Mary Anne is back, raising one eyebrow and wearing a hat for no real reason. There's probably a joke about the royal wedding and British people wearing hats somewhere in there, but I am so tired of hearing about that wedding that I can't bring myself to make it. Anyway, Kristy is straight up busted here (not to mention badly in need of some Alberto V05 hot oil). Maybe the illustrator couldn't meet his deadline and outsourced this job to his 10 year old. That's gotta be the explanation for this, right?

Grade: W (Wtf)

* It may be 2011, but that won't stop me from making Mean Girls references. By the way, how great was Bossypants?

** That may have been a threat.