How to Put Together Your Totally Dibble Claudia Kishi Halloween Costume

Dude, how is it almost Halloween already? I guess my hectic babysitting schedule has kept me too busy to realize that summer's long over. Damn those Pike children and their loveable* hijinks!

I haven't dressed up for Halloween in years (unless 'sweatpant-wearing twentysomething' counts as a costume as well as my daily wardrobe**), but I'm sure some of you are looking to put together a fabulous throwback costume. Why not our super acute vice president?

Below, please enjoy your guide to a dibbly fresh Halloween costume (almond-shaped eyes not included) that you'll inevitably have to explain to almost every male at the party.

1. Side ponytail Scrunchy optional . . . you could also choose to weave a ribbon into your hair, divide it into five braids and pin them to the top of your head, or just throw a fuckton of barrettes in there and see what happens.
2. Homemade earrings Get yourself on Etsy and search for 'dollhouse earrings' -- you'll hit the motherload of Claudia-inspired crafts. You might want to pick a theme and gear your costume in that direction, like the time Claudia dressed like she was traveling under the sea with Miss Frizzle. Bonus points if you get a pair of earrings where one is a fork and the other is a piece of cake.
3. Telephone cord bracelet You know, assuming you can actually find such a thing out in this brave new world full of iPhones. Do you realize our kids aren't going to understand what cassette tapes are? And floppy disks? Oh god, my youth is collapsing all around me.
4. Neon EVERYWHERE I don't like American Apparel as a company (cause, you know, skeevy and awful?) but, yeah, basically look for clothes so bright you're in danger of burning out your friends' retinas. Hit up welovecolors and buy some tights that practically glow in the dark.
5. Mix your patterns with wild abandon Maybe get drunk first, twirl around for a while (try not to vomit in your closet), and then put on the first couple of patterns you find. Plaids with stripes! Herringbone and polka dots! Instead of asking why, ask why not!
6. Pockets You want as many pockets as possible in your Claudia-costume, because an important element of her personality is candy-hoarding, and you can't carry a bedroom/club headquarters around with you. Hide that shit all over YOURSELF. Maybe find a tiny copy of a Nancy Drew book (Nancy Drew's Guide to Life comes to mind) and stuff that in there, too. Then, every time someone asks what you are, just pull out a mini Mounds bar and treat yourself. Bonus points if you create a miniature work of art out of the candy wrappers. Leave it for your host -- they'll totally appreciate it!
7. Even more pockets . . . because you should also get yourself a cheap flask and bedazzle the shit out of it. Or cover it in stickers and rick-rack. Basically, this is your personal Kid Kit. Fill it with peach schnapps or some other diabetic coma-inducing liquor. Practice 'poisoning' your friend Stacey.
8. Ankle and/or cowboy boots No explanation needed.

If you're bored by the party, you might consider bringing props (a cabbage patch kid as a sitting charge, or an easel that you set up in the middle of a high traffic area just because) to entertain yourself with. Or walk around your friend's apartment, squint at the grease stains in the kitchen, and say to no one in particular "this might be art." This will get easier the more time you spend with your personal Kid Kit.

Drink plenty of water before you go to bed. And then send me the pictures the next day.

Happy Halloween everyone.

(patterned polyester spandex legging, Frye Carson pull on, rainbow cake slice & fork earrings, autumn floral blouse)

* annoying

** seriously, working from home is awesome, you guys.