#85: Claudia Kishi, Live From WSTO!
By now we've all heard the news about Diablo Cody getting her schticky hands on the rights to Sweet Valley High. I'm sure you've all been waiting with baited fuckin' breath for my opinion. (You: "No, I have not." Me: "Dude, it's like a joke and stuff." You: "Less dudes, dude." Everyone's a critic!)
Here it is: I feel :( about it. Unless Cody would like to hire me as a consultant, in which case I feel $$:)$$ about it.
Cody: SVH characters do not speak in a sarcastic and superspeedy manner. They do not make grating pop culture references. They do not utilize supposedly clever phrases like "honest to blog". They do not have hamburger phones. You have been warned.
Whatever. I was underwhelmed by Juno and I have no interest in Jennifer's Body (I do have an interest in tunelessly singing the chorus of the classic Hole song whenever the film is mentioned - now you've all been warned) and I'm just thanking god she didn't buy the rights to the Babysitter's Club.
Back to the 'brook.
Four pages in, Janine is calling Claud out ("Claudia, what on earth are you wearing?") for her unique and in this case slightly deranged sense of style.
"I was wearing a backward t-shirt, overalls I'd made by sewing together two halves cut from different pairs, and mismatched socks. It was my 'deconstructionist' look. You know, like the art movement?"
This outfit makes me wanna shout WOAH THERE LADY. Picturing this getup - referred to by Janine as "Frankenstein's Jumpsuit" - is making my brain melt. I wish I knew what shoes she was wearing. Probably one black Converse hightop and one white Converse lowtop covered in, like, stickers and food coloring.
Claudia dresses down for her job at the Pikes (in "jeans and a button-down men's shirt [Sorry Mr. Kishi] over a stretch top") because "there's already enough deconstruction in that house."
I feel that. I mean, think about it: Mom & Pop Pike are the original Jon & Kate, except for all the in vitro and Ed Hardy and People magazine cover stories.
The a-plot (and it's a doozy!) kicks into full gear when Claudia wins a contest to host a radio show for a month. Her sudden interest in deejaying is the result of a) that bitch Stacey totally abandoning her* b) Claudia realizing that, like, everybody in the BSC has a love interest except for her. I mean, even Mallory is doing better than Claud is, though she did have to import an Australian** after striking out with all the American boys.
Conclusion: somebody needs a hobby. (I mean, besides eating vast amounts of candy. Although as hobbies go, that's a pretty great one.)
Hence: conveniently timed contest.
In a Wacky Plot Twist, the contest runner-up gets to co-host the show. The contest runner-up? Ashley Wyeth! Except Ashley went to rehab or something, and I'm majorly bummed. She's definitely not the girl we met in book 12, the girl dressed like a Little House on the Prarie superfan who had recently discovered the joys of LSD.
I mean, she shows up at the radio studio wearing a "plain, button-down shirt and khakis with running shoes." Where are the Doc Martens, I ask?
She makes it up for me during the first show by bringin' the sass.
"I put together this great new outfit and trimmed my hair.
I know. Double duh. It was a radio show. Nobody was going to see me. But I could not help it. Honestly. I absolutely had to do it. I don't know why.***
Anyway, I wore the coolest tuxedo I'd recently bought in a thrift shop, including a silky, piped shirt and a bright red velvet cummerbund. I removed the shoulder pads from the jacket, which made it really slouchy (I love that look). Then I bought a pair of white socks with silver glitter.
I decided to wear a pair of red sneakers to match the cummerbund. I swept my hair up and fastened it with a rhinestone barrette in the shape of a musical note."
"Ashley was already in the studio when I walked in, dressed in jeans and a workshirt. She was deep in conversation with Bob, but when she saw me, she howled with laughter.
'Are you going to, like, describe your outfit to the listeners or something?' she asked."
It's her show, Ash. And damn straight she is.
* not that we are bitter.
** Ben Hobart. And yes, technically she didn't import him. Stop remembering plotlines so well, people! I'm trying to tell jokes here!
*** I love you.
*** I love you.
Move Over, Logan Bruno
It's been quite a month. I haven't even seen the new Gossip Girl yet. Does this mean my fascination is waning? Not sure. All I know is that I tried to amp myself up by watching some promos on youtube. The only resulting emotion? Fear. Oh -- also confusion. 'Cause I am completely flummoxed by whatever is on top of Dan Humphrey's head. Is that a wig? What the hell is going on here?
Anyway, it's September. Which means that the senior members of the BSC are beginning their final year at Stoneybrook Middle School. For the millionth time. I wonder what they all wore on the first day? Maybe Kristy decided to really mix it up and sported some Dockers. Fashion!
Hopefully Mary Anne is growing out that terrible haircut. You know, the one she got last year. In eighth grade.
Welcome to Stoneybrook, where time passes but nobody ages.
Until I get to a book entry (soon! or at least before it starts snowing!) check out:
Our Fave Style Bloggers Show Us Their Fall Must-Haves at Lemondrop. I didn't end up with the blazer. It probably would have looked like crap on me, anyway. But man, it looks fly as hell on the model!
I gotta say, it's pretty damn helpful to live near an Urban Outfitters. Like, they had this macrame owl wall hanging that looked totally bomb on the website. And then I saw it in the store. And I was like: "oh". (You can quote me on that!) It was large and majestic online, but small and pitiful in person. And really depressed, like a macrame owl dealing with an opiate addiction. You don't want a downer owl in your living room, bringing down the mood. Before you know it, all your other owls are sighing heavily and smoking a lot of cigarettes, and . . . wait, where was I going with that? Oh, I think I was just pointing out that sometimes things are (regretfully) not as awesome in person as they are on the internet.
Some things, however, are.
That's me. I often sit sideways in my rocking chair, looking meaningfully at my coffee table. Whatever. That's not my point. My point is: THE SHOES, DAMMIT. I mean, look at them.
Logan Bruno has nothing on my boyfriend.
I was pretty psyched when he told me he had a surprise for me. He was all "yeah, you know, it's no big deal, about on par with the pumpkin ales" and I was like well, that's pretty cool. A guy who shows up with your favorite seasonal beer (and sometimes a pint of Ben & Jerry's when you've had a bad day) is clearly a winner. So I was expecting something delicious. Instead he shows up with a huge box from Amazon.com. I'm suspicious. And then he pulls out a shoe box. Light grey and black. Frye. Since 1863.
I just about fell over. They're epic. They're this perfect, warm, burnt sienna color. The heel is intense. They're studded. They make fun clacky noises when I walk around in them. And they're huge - when I first put them on, he laughed and called me a giraffe. My feet might freeze (what with the peep toe) but I simply do not care. They are that good.
So yeah, Logan Bruno ain't shit.
And if you've got a yearning for even more hilariously awkward self-portraits, check out my interview* over at Worn Journal. Because when I'm not staring meaningfully in the direction of my couch, I'm sitting on my kitchen table between stacks of BSC books. Totally normal! Who doesn't spend their free time doing just that?
What? Normal people?
* I think the biggest challenge (and I do mean 'of my entire life') was coming up with a list of the top 10 most stylish characters from children's literature. The second biggest challenge was not running out and buying copies of all of the books I mentioned in the list. How great were the Wayside School books? Can we internet book club those suckers? Why yes, I will be 26 this October!
Contest Wrap-Up; Claudia Kishi Demands More Feathers
Guys. You all want that famous cities skirt from Logan Likes Mary Anne! really, really badly. Note to etsy sellers: if you can reproduce this item, you should do so. And let me know about it, 'cause I've got some readers who would be all over that shit like white on rice. (Or brown on rice. Or Claudia on a Mounds bar.)
Jessica Lewis (who is "a little more classic and tame than Claud" but would consider sporting a fedora or some cowboy boots) is the lucky winner of the Chickdowntown contest. In the interest of full disclosure, there was not a sassy hat involved in the selection process. Your names went into a sassy zebra-print hobo bag. Claudia approved! Jessica, shoot me your mailing information (email@example.com) and we'll get you decked out with that Moyna clutch. Everyone else: I wish I could provide you with the squiggle pins and handmade earrings you so desperately desire. Stay tuned; there'll be another contest coming your way soon. More information to come. For now, I'll just say that if you like really dark young adult lit., get pysched.
Because I'm still trying to be more responsible with the whole money thing (apparently you need it to get food and stuff!), I'm not doing any big change-of-season shopping trips. But lord knows I would love to be droppin' cash like I was made of it. Especially since Gap came out with this new line of jeans and the campaign is full of very convincing arguments as to why they are the greatest thing since Ring Dings.
Other things I would buy if I was the stepdaughter of Watson Brewer (he's a millionaire! They live in a mansion! Of course he would want to buy me new Fryes!): some killer boots to pair with my skinny jeans (pictured: Carmen three strap, Owen crepe tall, Deborah studded), Lucky Brand jewelry, Madewell's Slim Slouch jeans, and Urban Outfitter's beaded feather necklace, as modeled by a Wakefield twin.