by Unknown on Saturday, December 12, 2009

#42: Jessi and the Dance School Phantom

It's been close to two months since I've posted an entry. Trust me, I have plenty of very good excuses reasons why. In the interest of interactivity, I will leave you a list and you can pick the one that most appeals to you.

A. It's all tumblr's fault.
B. In love; snark levels compromised.
C. Existential crisis brought on by the realization that all of my clothes are too small or falling apart.*
D. Moved into new position at job; am tired at the end of the day.
E. My television isn't going to watch itself.
F. Cease and desist letter from Ann M. Martin's Army of Lawyers.

But enough about Kim "Lazy Blogger Extraordinaire" Hutt. The eleven year old prima ballerina of the BSC snagged yet another lead role, and now she must pay. Or something.

On with the cheap shots jokes!


The full text of the note reads "BEWARE. There is a scarecrow in an all-denim ensemble directly behind you!" Dawn is all "how dare you! Deep conditioning is bad for the environment!"

We all know Jessi is not exactly a fashion icon. She further proves this by celebrating the fact that she is restricted to black leotards and pink tights during ballet class. "I could just imagine the scene if we were allowed to wear anything: There'd be so much neon in the place that it would look like Times Square."

Other things it might look like: an American Apparel ad. A Forever 21 dressing room discard rack. The inside of Lady Gaga's brain. I too can work a simile, Martin!

As you may have guessed from the title and cover art, Jessi is getting seriously stalked here. She's creeped out enough about it to consider giving up the role of Princess Aurora. However, the other babysitters won't stand for this defeatist, "I wish to escape with my life" attitude.

"Mallory gasped. 'Give up the production!' she said. 'You're nuts, Jessi. That may be the best part you've ever gotten. You can't let them scare you out of it.'

'Mal's right,' said Claud. 'You can't quit. I've already bought a new outfit to wear to your opening night.' She laughed. 'I'm only kidding.'"

She's not. Jessi's safety means nothing compared to the joys of a new minidress.

Eventually they unmask the crazy (in a really stupid plotline involving an incriminating calligraphy pen) and all is well. Opening night arrives just in time for A.M.M. to think up more wacky outfits for her little posse of teen & tween fashionistas.

Jessi "Best Ballerina Evar" Ramsey wore "a black velvet dress." Yawn.

Stacey "I AM New York" McGill wore "a tuxedo! That's right, a tuxedo, just like one a boy would wear. But it was made to fit her perfectly, and she looked great. She must have gotten it in New York."

Kristy "I'd Rather Be Coaching Softball" Thomas wore "a dress, for once, and it was strange to see her in something other than a turtleneck and jeans. She looked really pretty."

Mallory "The Oft-Mocked Or Forgotten One" Pike wore "her best skirt and blouse." Again: yawn.

Dawn "Can I Go Back to California Yet?" Schafer wore "Mary Anne's new Laura Ashley dress", while Mary Anne "Huge F'in Crybaby" Spier sported "Dawn's pink jumpsuit".

Claudia "No Fanciful Nickname Could Possibly Encompass The Awesome" Kishi "looked extremely cool and exotic, as usual. Her hair was braided with silver ribbons, and she wore a shimmery dark blue minidress. On her feet were silver sandals, with laces up the calves - kind of like toe shoes."

Bellissima!

* My inner cheapskate is sad about this, she really enjoyed buying $12 jeans at Forever21. Anyway, I'm solving this crisis by slowly filtering in classy, well-made items from (I know, I know, this is so mature and adult I can barely even stand it) Banana Republic. Today I set my progress back considerably by purchasing this doofy acrylic sweater coat thing from Urban Outfitters. Which is also not my fault: I was Christmas shopping. SOMETIMES THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU ARE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.

by Unknown on Sunday, October 18, 2009

No Snark, Just Love

Courtney Summers* frantically tweeted a link to me the other day. "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?!!!" she asked. I'm not sure what I was expecting. Maybe a Jon & Kate Plus 8 parody or an Arrested Development .gif. Certainly not an Amazon listing for a new BSC book.

Before there was the Baby-Sitters Club, there were four girls named Kristy Thomas, Mary Anne Spier, Claudia Kishi, and Stacey McGill. As they start the summer before seventh grade (also before they start the BSC), each of them is on the cusp of a big change. Kristy is still hung up on hoping that her father will return to her family. Mary Anne has to prove to her father that she's no longer a little girl who needs hundreds of rules. Claudia is navigating her first major crush on a boy. And Stacey is leaving her entire New York City life behind...

...in order to find new friends in Stoneybrook, Connecticut.

The Summer Before . . . is a sweet, moving novel about four girls on the edge of something big - not just the Club that will change their lives, but also all the joys and tribulations of being twelve and thirteen.

Okay, it's 224 pages. So we're basically looking at a Super Special. Here's hoping for alternating narrators, handwritten journal entries, and paragraph-long outfit descriptions.

Man. New Stephen King and Douglas Coupland novels (on the same day, no less) in November. A new BSC book in 2010. Everything's coming up Kim!

* (PLUG ALERT) author of Cracked Up to Be and January's Some Girls Are. You can check out the first chapter of Some Girls Are here. It's a pretty heavy book - after I read it I told Courtney it made her first book look like My Little Pony. She was delighted by this analysis, because she is slightly depraved. In a good way. Sure, she enjoys crafting sympathetic characters and then making terrible things happen to them. So what?

by Unknown on Saturday, September 26, 2009

#85: Claudia Kishi, Live From WSTO!


By now we've all heard the news about Diablo Cody getting her schticky hands on the rights to Sweet Valley High. I'm sure you've all been waiting with baited fuckin' breath for my opinion. (You: "No, I have not." Me: "Dude, it's like a joke and stuff." You: "Less dudes, dude." Everyone's a critic!)

Here it is: I feel :( about it. Unless Cody would like to hire me as a consultant, in which case I feel $$:)$$ about it.

Cody: SVH characters do not speak in a sarcastic and superspeedy manner. They do not make grating pop culture references. They do not utilize supposedly clever phrases like "honest to blog". They do not have hamburger phones. You have been warned.

Whatever. I was underwhelmed by Juno and I have no interest in Jennifer's Body (I do have an interest in tunelessly singing the chorus of the classic Hole song whenever the film is mentioned - now you've all been warned) and I'm just thanking god she didn't buy the rights to the Babysitter's Club.

Back to the 'brook.

Four pages in, Janine is calling Claud out ("Claudia, what on earth are you wearing?") for her unique and in this case slightly deranged sense of style.

"I was wearing a backward t-shirt, overalls I'd made by sewing together two halves cut from different pairs, and mismatched socks. It was my 'deconstructionist' look. You know, like the art movement?"

This outfit makes me wanna shout WOAH THERE LADY. Picturing this getup - referred to by Janine as "Frankenstein's Jumpsuit" - is making my brain melt. I wish I knew what shoes she was wearing. Probably one black Converse hightop and one white Converse lowtop covered in, like, stickers and food coloring.

Claudia dresses down for her job at the Pikes (in "jeans and a button-down men's shirt [Sorry Mr. Kishi] over a stretch top") because "there's already enough deconstruction in that house."

I feel that. I mean, think about it: Mom & Pop Pike are the original Jon & Kate, except for all the in vitro and Ed Hardy and People magazine cover stories.

The a-plot (and it's a doozy!) kicks into full gear when Claudia wins a contest to host a radio show for a month. Her sudden interest in deejaying is the result of a) that bitch Stacey totally abandoning her* b) Claudia realizing that, like, everybody in the BSC has a love interest except for her. I mean, even Mallory is doing better than Claud is, though she did have to import an Australian** after striking out with all the American boys.

Conclusion: somebody needs a hobby.
(I mean, besides eating vast amounts of candy. Although as hobbies go, that's a pretty great one.)
Hence: conveniently timed contest.

In a Wacky Plot Twist, the contest runner-up gets to co-host the show. The contest runner-up? Ashley Wyeth! Except Ashley went to rehab or something, and I'm majorly bummed. She's definitely not the girl we met in book 12, the girl dressed like a Little House on the Prarie superfan who had recently discovered the joys of LSD.

I mean, she shows up at the radio studio wearing a "plain, button-down shirt and khakis with running shoes." Where are the Doc Martens, I ask?

She makes it up for me during the first show by bringin' the sass.

"I put together this great new outfit and trimmed my hair.

I know. Double duh. It was a radio show. Nobody was going to see me. But I could not help it. Honestly. I absolutely had to do it. I don't know why.***

Anyway, I wore the coolest tuxedo I'd recently bought in a thrift shop, including a silky, piped shirt and a bright red velvet cummerbund. I removed the shoulder pads from the jacket, which made it really slouchy (I love that look). Then I bought a pair of white socks with silver glitter.

I decided to wear a pair of red sneakers to match the cummerbund. I swept my hair up and fastened it with a rhinestone barrette in the shape of a musical note."

"Ashley was already in the studio when I walked in, dressed in jeans and a workshirt. She was deep in conversation with Bob, but when she saw me, she howled with laughter.

'Are you going to, like, describe your outfit to the listeners or something?' she asked."

It's her show, Ash. And damn straight she is.

* not that we are bitter.
** Ben Hobart. And yes, technically she didn't import him. Stop remembering plotlines so well, people! I'm trying to tell jokes here!
*** I love you.

by Unknown on Saturday, September 19, 2009

Move Over, Logan Bruno

It's been quite a month. I haven't even seen the new Gossip Girl yet. Does this mean my fascination is waning? Not sure. All I know is that I tried to amp myself up by watching some promos on youtube. The only resulting emotion? Fear. Oh -- also confusion. 'Cause I am completely flummoxed by whatever is on top of Dan Humphrey's head. Is that a wig? What the hell is going on here?

Please advise.

Anyway, it's September. Which means that the senior members of the BSC are beginning their final year at Stoneybrook Middle School. For the millionth time. I wonder what they all wore on the first day? Maybe Kristy decided to really mix it up and sported some Dockers. Fashion!

Hopefully Mary Anne is growing out that terrible haircut. You know, the one she got last year. In eighth grade.

Welcome to Stoneybrook, where time passes but nobody ages.

Until I get to a book entry (soon! or at least before it starts snowing!) check out:

Our Fave Style Bloggers Show Us Their Fall Must-Haves at Lemondrop. I didn't end up with the blazer. It probably would have looked like crap on me, anyway. But man, it looks fly as hell on the model!

I gotta say, it's pretty damn helpful to live near an Urban Outfitters. Like, they had this macrame owl wall hanging that looked totally bomb on the website. And then I saw it in the store. And I was like: "oh". (You can quote me on that!) It was large and majestic online, but small and pitiful in person. And really depressed, like a macrame owl dealing with an opiate addiction. You don't want a downer owl in your living room, bringing down the mood. Before you know it, all your other owls are sighing heavily and smoking a lot of cigarettes, and . . . wait, where was I going with that? Oh, I think I was just pointing out that sometimes things are (regretfully) not as awesome in person as they are on the internet.

Some things, however, are.
That's me. I often sit sideways in my rocking chair, looking meaningfully at my coffee table. Whatever. That's not my point. My point is: THE SHOES, DAMMIT. I mean, look at them.

Logan Bruno has nothing on my boyfriend.

I was pretty psyched when he told me he had a surprise for me. He was all "yeah, you know, it's no big deal, about on par with the pumpkin ales" and I was like well, that's pretty cool. A guy who shows up with your favorite seasonal beer (and sometimes a pint of Ben & Jerry's when you've had a bad day) is clearly a winner. So I was expecting something delicious. Instead he shows up with a huge box from Amazon.com. I'm suspicious. And then he pulls out a shoe box. Light grey and black. Frye. Since 1863.

I just about fell over. They're epic. They're this perfect, warm, burnt sienna color. The heel is intense. They're studded. They make fun clacky noises when I walk around in them. And they're huge - when I first put them on, he laughed and called me a giraffe. My feet might freeze (what with the peep toe) but I simply do not care. They are that good.

So yeah, Logan Bruno ain't shit.

And if you've got a yearning for even more hilariously awkward self-portraits, check out my interview* over at Worn Journal. Because when I'm not staring meaningfully in the direction of my couch, I'm sitting on my kitchen table between stacks of BSC books. Totally normal! Who doesn't spend their free time doing just that?

What? Normal people?
Oh.

* I think the biggest challenge (and I do mean 'of my entire life') was coming up with a list of the top 10 most stylish characters from children's literature. The second biggest challenge was not running out and buying copies of all of the books I mentioned in the list. How great were the Wayside School books? Can we internet book club those suckers? Why yes, I will be 26 this October!

by Unknown on Monday, September 07, 2009

Contest Wrap-Up; Claudia Kishi Demands More Feathers

Guys. You all want that famous cities skirt from Logan Likes Mary Anne! really, really badly. Note to etsy sellers: if you can reproduce this item, you should do so. And let me know about it, 'cause I've got some readers who would be all over that shit like white on rice. (Or brown on rice. Or Claudia on a Mounds bar.)

Jessica Lewis (who is "a little more classic and tame than Claud" but would consider sporting a fedora or some cowboy boots) is the lucky winner of the Chickdowntown contest. In the interest of full disclosure, there was not a sassy hat involved in the selection process. Your names went into a sassy zebra-print hobo bag. Claudia approved! Jessica, shoot me your mailing information (kimberlyhutt@gmail.com) and we'll get you decked out with that Moyna clutch. Everyone else: I wish I could provide you with the squiggle pins and handmade earrings you so desperately desire. Stay tuned; there'll be another contest coming your way soon. More information to come. For now, I'll just say that if you like really dark young adult lit., get pysched.
Because I'm still trying to be more responsible with the whole money thing (apparently you need it to get food and stuff!), I'm not doing any big change-of-season shopping trips. But lord knows I would love to be droppin' cash like I was made of it. Especially since Gap came out with this new line of jeans and the campaign is full of very convincing arguments as to why they are the greatest thing since Ring Dings.

Other things I would buy if I was the stepdaughter of Watson Brewer (he's a millionaire! They live in a mansion! Of course he would want to buy me new Fryes!): some killer boots to pair with my skinny jeans (pictured: Carmen three strap, Owen crepe tall, Deborah studded), Lucky Brand jewelry, Madewell's Slim Slouch jeans, and Urban Outfitter's beaded feather necklace, as modeled by a Wakefield twin.

by Unknown on Friday, August 21, 2009

Claudia Kishi Discovers Online Shopping; Singlehandedly Saves Economy.

Mom and Pop Kishi were pretty hard on our girl, huh? They should just be glad her reign of fashion-y terror didn't overlap with the era of Spending All Your Disposable Income on Online Shopping. She would've racked up massive credit card debt in no time. I mean, think about it. She'd be all hopped up on Yodels and frantically bidding on ebay auctions for fringed vests and snake bracelets. (Or snake earrings, or snake rings, or sandals that laced up her calves.*)

Chickdowntown would've seen her coming. And rolled out the virtual welcome mat.

She's fictional, though. And you are not. (At least, not as far as I know.) So they'll settle for your love by sending you this horse shoe slim clutch by Moyna Handbags. Claudia would be totally jealous, am I right? And you're going to look great. (May I suggest pairing it with some shredded denim and earrings made from paper clips and seed beads? So fetch!**)

Wanna get your hands on the clutch? Easy enough. Chickdowntown has one reserved for a lucky What Claudia Wore reader. All you have to do (besides 'live in the United States' - sorry, international ladies) is drop me a comment naming the Ann M. Martin-approved item you'd die to own. Is it Dawn's I'm Awesome necklace? Stacey's beret, adorned with a sparkly dinosaur pin? One of the 5 million jumpsuits these crazy chicks are always sporting? The iconic telephone cord bracelet? Claudia's bungee cord belt? (If so, why? It's a bungee cord, dude.)

The contest will close on September 3rd. I'll use a Ouija board to pick the winner. (Just kidding, I will probably put your names in a sassy hat or something.) In the meantime, follow Chickdowntown on twitter, become a fan on facebook, and check out J.A.K.'s western plaid shirts. Mostly because the yellow/orange one is callin' my name and I just want someone to tell me it'd look great with my Fryes.

I'm gonna go call Claudia, maybe she can find it for me in her dad's closet. Forgive us, Pop Kishi.

* the laces would be two tiny snakes. With beads for eyes. God, I need those sandals immediately.
** If Regina George is Cokie Mason, then Gretchen Weiners is Grace Blume. Think about it.

by Unknown on Monday, August 03, 2009

#37: Dawn and the Older Boy

Oh, Dawn. I'm choosing to ignore your teased bangs and will instead focus on your dinner companion. Travis. Travis the Older Boy from California. Travis the Older Boy from California with Suspiciously Pristine Sneakers.
You look smitten, and I'm concerned.

Not so much about the age thing. I mean, I get it lady. Maturity, experience, etc. But this guy looks exactly like my mental picture of Randall Flagg and that CANNOT be a good thing. He's probably two seconds away from eating your face. For god's sakes, woman! Run!

Guys, I know you feel me on this. Just look at him. That is clearly the face of a killer. Dude, he probably has the skin of a killer* as well.

Anyway. Let's get started with some makeovers.

"I glanced around Kristy Thomas's bedroom and saw that all six of my friends were experimenting with lipstick and nail polish. A few of them, like Stacey McGill, were even trying out new hairstyles. It was a sort of mass 'make-over,' and there was a lot of giggling going on. (And some of the 'befores' looked better than the 'after', if you know what I mean.)"

I do know what you mean, but
I'm supposed to be the quippy one here. Back off, Schafer.

"Claudia is a beautiful, dramatic-looking Japanese-American who loves exotic clothes. (She's also the vice-president of the BSC.) Claudia's one of those people who can wear anything and get away with it. Today, for example, she had stuck to two colors: black and white. Black cotton bib overalls over a white turtleneck with a shiny black patent leather belt looped around her waist. Black suede ankle boots and white cotton socks. [Wow, yikes. I'm down with mixing up the casual and the formal, but I can't stand behind this. I'm not sure I can
ever stand behind visible white cotton socks. Okay, maybe if they're flop socks and I've layered three different pairs so that my ankles look like ice cream cones.] Long black hair swept off her face with giant white plastic barrettes. Anyone else would look like a penguin in that get-up, but Claudia looked great. [Like a beautiful, dramatic-looking, Japanese-American penguin.]

'What do you think,' she asked, holding up a white hoop earring next to her face. 'Too much?'

I nodded. 'Maybe just a little.' The earring was the size of a doorknob."

It's nice of you to get the little people involved, Claud. But you and I both know that the concept of 'too much' doesn't exist in your world. Ignore California Casual over there. She wears
clogs.

What? You own clogs? Oh. Well, I'm sure you look GREAT in them. Don't mind me.

Makeover madness continues: "'Stacey had scrunched her own hair into a cloud of blonde curls and was trying for the same effect with my stepsister.

Mary Anne shot me a desperate look [pull it together, Spier] in the mirror, just as Stacey gave a final pat to her hair and said pointedly, 'Doesn't she look great?'

I was on the spot. 'I think it's a nice change,' I began. 'Of course, you wouldn't have to wear it that way every day.'

'She should. It's a big improvement.' Stacey said flatly."

Holy shit, man. It's about to be a (what) GIRLFIGHT**.

The next morning, Dawn meets the Older Boy (henceforth referred to as OB), a friend of Charlie's. The scene is moderately amusing - the babysitters go downstairs, are struck dumb by the presence of cute high school guys, and flock back upstairs to primp.

"Upstairs, I took a quick shower and spent the next hour fiddling with my hair and makeup. I decided that I wanted to look casual (but gorgeous!) and finally settled on a pale blue ten-button top [I'm getting 'henley' from this description] with my favorite jeans."

For whatever reason, said cute high school guys are still chilling in the Brewer's kitchen an hour later. Travis lures Dawn in with ocean talk and mentions of Malibu and his affinity for granola. He even drops some fashion advice, letting her know she should always wear blue. Because it brings out the color of her eyes. Just like the ocean.

I think he should always wear brown. Because he is full of it.

They go on a couple of nebulous date-things (gotta love the nebulous date-thing, staring across the table all "hmm. This feels date-y. I'm totally catching vibes here.") after school involving grilled cheese sandwiches and girly accessory shopping. No joke.

Oh, and he gives her a blue beaded necklace and hair combs. "'When I saw this,'" he smarms, "'it just made me think of you. That's all. It's the same shade as your eyes.'"

You know, I might have found that kinda cute, but he follows it up by being a total douche and not appreciating Schafer for the unique little snowflake that we all know she is. God, what a jerk. It's my job to tell these girls they look like crap.

Check out this gem:

"'Usually, I just brush my hair and wear it straight. It's so long.'

'Oh yeah. That's another thing I wanted to mention.' Travis picked up a strand of hair and looked at critically. 'When's the last time you got your hair cut?'

'Cut? I never get it cut. Well, sometimes I have the ends trimmed a little.'

Travis gave me a very serious look. 'I think you should lose a few inches, maybe three or four. It will give your hair more lift, you know?'" [Seriously, I would smack a guy for telling me I needed to cut my hair.]

"'Maybe,' I said doubtfully. I like my hair the way it is - very long and fine. Whenever I try a new style, I usually hate it and go right back to wearing it straight."

Feel ya, girl. I experimented with bangs a couple years ago and couldn't hack it after a few short months. Now where was I? Oh yeah, somewhere around "this guy spends a creepy amount of time looking at/thinking about jewelry":

"'I saw some pierced earrings in here that would look great on you,' he said. He led me to a display counter and spun an earring tree with his thumb. 'Good! They're still here.' He lifted a pair of delicate silver earrings off the tree and held them out to me. 'Do you like them?'

They were perfect. Tiny butterflies in flight. 'I love them,' I said softly.

[I suspect Merry-Go-Round is the Stoneybrook version of a Claire's Accessories. Have some class, Older Boy.]

Travis held them up to my ear and smiled. 'I knew they'd be right for you.'

'I'll wear them under the stars,' I promised him. (I should explain that I wear two earrings in each ear.)

'No,' Travis said flatly. 'You should wear them up higher. Just get another hole punched in your ear.'"

Hey. Sociopath. Calm the hell down. And then he has the audacity to bring Cali back into the equation, claiming that "all the girls" have 3 holes in each ear. Look, I know I talk a lot of shit about Schafer, but I am very wounded by all this making over of a fictional teenager who is perfectly fine just as she is***.

After Dawn hears that Travis has been hanging out with a girl his age (Kristy's big mouth strikes again), she makes the totally rational decision to stalk him. Yeah, I smell a healthy relationship in the works here. Would more Twilight jokes be appropriate at this time****?

Travis is wearing "faded jeans and a white t-shirt" when Dawn spots him. "But he wasn't alone. He turned around and linked arms with a great-looking girl. Her long red hair tumbled down her back, and she had high cheekbones, just like a model. She was dressed in a white cotton flight suit [I was all 'this must be some high-fashion terminology I've never heard of', but then I google image searched 'flight suit' and the results were precisely what I'd imagined], exactly the kind of trendy outfit that Claudia or Stacey would wear. I hated her on sight, and then I stopped and reminded myself that it wasn't her fault she was gorgeous."

The outfit, on the other hand, is entirely her fault.

So Dawn spies on Travis and Sara (or Flight Suit Girl, as I prefer to think of her) a second time. Travis takes Sara to Merry-Go-Round, and Dawn decides it's time to confront him. She starts by being all 'so, looks like this is one of your favorite spots.' The dig doesn't have the impact she'd hoped for, and Flight Suit Girl interrupts by showing Travis some "heavy gold hoop earrings.

'What do you think, Travis?' she asked, ignoring me. 'Are these too big?'

I couldn't resist. 'Yes, definitely too big. They look like they should be holding up a shower curtain.'

[What does Dawn have against big jewelry? Hrmph.]

Sara frowned and gave Travis a 'who-is-this-person?' look, and he introduced us.

'Dawn is from California, too,' he added.

'Really?' Sara gave me a cool smile. 'Oh, now I remember,' she said, as if a light bulb had switched on inside her head. 'Dawn Schafer . . . the little girl you told me about.'

Little girl? I was steaming. What nerve. I needed a really stinging comeback, but my mind was a blank. And the next words out of Sara's mouth were even worse. 'I'm sure you've turned her into a real beauty, Travis,' she murmured."

Dude, what kind of fucked-up dynamics are going on here?! I'm so disturbed. Poor Dawn pulls it together, but kinda embarrasses herself further with her retort, snapping that she was "'already a beauty'."

In the end, Sensitive Mary Anne reminds Dawn about the plot of My Fair Lady and Dawn realizes she's Eliza Doolittle. And then she starts talking to animals and Mary Anne has to inform her that Eliza Doolittle and Dr. Dolittle are two entirely different characters and then she wonders if maybe Dawn has gotten into Sharon's stash. (I mean, why do you think she could never find anything? And stored her keys in the vegetable drawer and shit? Think about it.)

Nah, that didn't happen. It would've been more interesting, though. Dawn calls Travis on his shit and he doesn't get it but she feels vindicated in the end and then starts an epistolary romance with Logan's cousin Lewis ('cause those Kentucky boys like to keep it in the family). And by book 50 she's totally forgotten all these valuable lessons about loving you for you (or whatever). I think we all remember that particular clusterfuck.

* you: "did she just drop a Twilight reference? oh my GOD, she did. I am NEVER reading this blog AGAIN."
** I know.
*** Assuming she lets me burn her entire wardrobe and start from scratch.
**** Twilight jokes are both never AND always appropriate.

by Unknown on Sunday, June 21, 2009

A Moment with Kim: Freaked Out Mexicans, College Clichés, Closets

You guys are hilarious (and that assessment is based on your comments alone -- I can't even imagine what it'd be like to get drunk together and perform dramatic reenactments of Important Fights in BSC History). Let's be friends forever, like the BSC spinoff series featuring ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHS on the book covers (I hope the orginal series' illustrator was fired for being so annoyingly inconsistent). I was done with Stoneybrook by the time the whole Friends Forever series started, but I do remember gaping at the books all 'what the hell is going on here, Martin?'* They did a decent job casting Claudia, I guess. I mean, check it out! She's on a disaster date! Been there, lady.

Anyway, commenter Stace raised an important point. Stick this in your peace pipe and smoke it:

Why did [Dawn] always have to be cool anyway? Like if a guy in a sombrero came running into a BSC meeting shooting at them, everyone would go into hysterics but Dawn, who would just sit there munching celery saying "A freaked out Mexican? Who hasn't seen one?"
I would've read that Super Special HARD.

---------

For someone who is so deeply entrenched in Hipster Studies (read: sometimes I go to Urban Outfitters and tally up all the Minnetonka-wearing customers), you'd think I'd be an avid McSweeney's reader. But I am merely a casual McSweeney's reader, so let's thank Scarlett for tweeting me the link to the greatest McSweeney's list of all time: Titles From The Baby-Sitters Club: The College Years Series.

They're great**. And I feel like that list could go on forever. My suggestions:

  • Mary Anne and the Missed Period
  • Abby and the Sex Ed Improv Group
  • Stacey McGill, Sororstitute
  • Dawn Hits the Bong
  • Kristy and the Group Project From Hell
  • Claudia's Shoplifting Secret
Again: I would read those books hard. Shit, I would write those books hard. Scholastic! Call me! I like to drop f-bombs and use the word awesome to describe just about everything!

In other words, I am supremely qualified.

---------

Sometimes people think its a good idea to let me talk about my clothes on the internet. Lemondrop.com's Closet Fever series features fashion bloggers talking about their favorite items of clothing. And I am one of those bloggers! Neat!

Things to note: Frye Carmen side zip boots I spent way too much on, Paris Hilton pose, vague semblance of a smile (I tried, really I did), shelving unit stocked with skinny jeans, Laine-approved amounts of black and grey closet items, tacky ring (as seen on greasy mobster stereotypes).

Check out the rest of the feature here. Julie: thanks for giving me another opportunity to wax poetic about Frye shoes.

In the interest of full shopping habit disclosure: I bought shoes recently. I know, I've been making all these claims about how I'm not shopping anymore because I need to look into this whole 'future' thing. But it's totally fine because these puppies are extremely practical. Okay, whatever, they're not.

* Once I was waiting at Goodwill for my boyfriend to finish his shift and I ended up reading Claudia Gets Her Guy to pass the time. I don't remember much about the story, but I do remember being pleasantly surprised by the lack of annoying child-centric subplots.
** Although the image of Claudia in those wretched VS PINK sweatpants that college chicks seem to love makes me die a little inside.

by Unknown on Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A Moment with. . . woah! Woman, What Are You Wearing?

Mrs. Obama*, what the heck are you doing? The only explanation for this is that you are a big Kishi fan (okay, there are probably other explanations, but I have a blog about The Kishi so there's a certain direction I need to take this, dig?) and you're rocking some sort of tribute ensemble. Maybe you got some BSC books for Malia and Sasha at a garage sale. You seem like the kind of down-to-earth woman who can still appreciate the lure of a good garage sale, even though you happen to be, oh, the First Lady. So perhaps you were reading the books together - I appreciate your hands-on parenting style, for real - and you found yourself admiring the panache of the Kishi. So you woke up one day and decided 'elegant sheath dresses be damned! I'm going to do this up Claudia-style!'

It happens to all of us. I had a phase where I thought skirts over jeans was a really clever idea (I will try to find photographic evidence later so everyone can point and laugh merrily). But, honestly and with all due respect, I don't think this is the best look for you.

If I start seeing earrings made from paper clips, we are going to have to have a TALK.

* relevant: the entry in which I photoshopped the President's head onto Kristy Thomas' body. I'm still pretty proud of that.

by Unknown on Tuesday, June 02, 2009

#82: Jessi and the Troublemaker

Breaking news: Jessi's hairstyle? A bun, adorned with a scrunchy. BREAKING NEWS, GUYS.

And I'm not even going to address the jeans.

"Stacey's sophistication shows up in the super-responsible and mature way in which she usually acts [book #83: Stacey vs. the BSC. Just sayin'.], but also in the way she dresses. We are pretty casually dressed at the BSC meetings, but even if Stacey is just wearing jeans like most of the rest of us, she goes one step further into cool [?]. For instance, today, when we were wearing sweaters and shirts [well, those both seem like logical choices, kid - do you want everyone else in leotards, too?], Stacey had on an oversized black sweater and a metallic gold t-shirt underneath. With her huge blue eyes and naturally dark lashes, and the shoulder length blonde hair that she keeps perfectly cut, she looked just like a model."

Jessi, what the hell: "But Claudia's sophistication and style are not big city. They're more artistic." The more I stare at this statement, the less sense it makes. Is it possible all the RL4 writing is rotting my brain? Also, why would 'big city' and 'artistic' be mutually exclusive?

Jessica Ramsey, you have so much to learn.
Which is logical, since you're 11.

"Claudia's style is unique. She doesn't often wear jeans, but she was wearing them today - only she'd cut patterns in the legs of the jeans (which were major faded) and was wearing leopard tights underneath so that they showed through. [I feel like we've all seen this on lookbook.nu.] She was wearing her Doc Martens with yellow shoelaces, and she'd used matching shoelaces to pull her hair back into a thick, long braid. Her earrings were a pair she made herself, out of little yellow feathers and black beads. And she was wearing a black and yellow striped flannel shirt buttoned up to her throat, with another pair of shoelaces made into a sort of bow tie."

BOW TIE.

(I hope season three of Gossip Girl brings us a scene in which Chuck Bass pulls open a drawer and it is just filled with, like, 100 bowties in perfect rows on some sort of custom-made bowtie organizer. They should be organized by color.)

by Unknown on Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Is Susie Bubble the Claudia-est Blogger of All?

There are a lot of ladies out there who are truly bringin' the heat in terms of personal style. I used to post to Wardrobe Remix on occasion (because my jeans are very fascinating), so I have some idea of the kind of work and dedication that goes into chronicling one's wardrobe choices. There's the awkward 'photoshoot' process (made waaay more awkward if you don't have a partner in crime or camera remote and are forced to rely on the ten second dash method), the time and effort that goes into editing and composing entries, and of course the chutzpah needed to share your style with the world.

Before sitting down to write this entry I told myself sternly that I need to refrain from stock terms such as 'fierce bitch' because not everyone finds said b-word endearing. (Hi Mom.) Is 'sassy wench' politically correct and socially acceptable? Whatever.
This is Susie Bubble. Seriously, look at her and her blatant disregard for the so-called "rules" of fashion! Claudia approves! Susie is a style blogger (stylebubble.co.uk) from the United Kingdom whose dedication to the world of fashion never fails to amaze me. She's got an amazing, eclectic sense of style that mixes high fashion with thrift, diy, and high street items. In addition to chronicling her own sartorial concoctions, Susie keeps us up to date with informative, thoughtful posts about current news in the fashion world. For many of us (including yours truly, who is completely overwhelmed by the study of haute couture and only recently found out how to correctly pronounce Yves Saint Laurent), fashion bloggers are the best possible resource when it comes to industry news. Susie does an amazing job, and I kinda want to hug her and tell her she's fabulous and then maybe try on her shoes.

Like our heroine, Susie isn't just a consumer - she's also a creator. She teamed up with Borders & Frontiers to create a gorgeous t-shirt available for purchase through the blog. If I wasn't currently trying desperately to refrain from expanding my wardrobe - it's hard - for the sake of my paltry bank account, I'd already own three.
Check out this entry, where she shows off the design on both white and grey backgrounds while making lots of cute faces. As if I didn't love her enough already, her affinity for heathered grey jersey tees makes me just about squeal with glee (I'm currently wearing one right now! With jeans! Shocking, I know!).

If you aren't already a fan, go check out the blog. Her link list alone could keep you busy for days. Susie, you rock. Thanks for breaking the mold and sharing your unique viewpoints with the world.

You can also follow Susie on twitter. Thankfully, though she and Claudia may share a willingness to experiment with crazy hats, Susie's got her basic spelling and grammar skills down. Seriously, can you imagine following Kishi on twitter? It'd be all "their is a emergancy meating 2day somthing about not enouf clients shut up kristy".

by Unknown on Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Prodigal Blogger Returns*: Kristy's Worst Idea Revisited



Let's muse on this cover for awhile. Do you love my handwritten notes? Yeah you do. I'm about to get into some serious analysis, so I'll direct you to dibbly-fresh's gallery for a closer look [EDIT: just kidding, I didn't realize blogger would provide a link to the large version. Click the pic. Marvel at the fashion.]. Feel free to add your input, because caring too much about books you read as a prepubescent is a community effort. Let's hold hands and sing the theme song. (I remember being incredibly sad that my parents didn't have HBO. I was all BUT MOM THERE IS A BSC TV SERIES WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?)

Abby, sit down. You haven't even been in the Baby-sitter's Club long enough to have built up any righteous indignation. Sure, I like your grey skinnies (they look a little bagged out, I would recommend throwing them in the dryer) even though they look suspiciously acid-washy, like maybe Claudia let you accompany her on her latest trip to American Apparel**. But I hate your shirt. Sure, I'm the least sporty person probably in the history of the world and I really dislike baseball. That doesn't mean I'm biased (it actually does). The shirt really does suck and hits at a weird length. It needs to be longer. Or shorter. Something.

Mallory and Jessi, I'm sorry. I can tell this is really stressful for you both. With that said, enough with the ballerina hairstyles, Jessica. We get it. You're the most dedicated 11 year old in the history of dance. You get up at 5:00 a.m. to practice in your basement every day. Mallory, never wear those colors together ever again. And get yourself to Lenscrafters because those glasses are atrocious.

Stacey, this may be the least "New York" you've ever looked. This is substitute teacher wear, Miss I'm So Very Sophisticated. Next.

Kristy, you know I love you. Upon review of the series, it turns out that the whole 'big mouth' thing is just a euphemism for 'sarcastic, snarky, and generally kinda awesome'. That doesn't make me any more okay with this ensemble. I know, I really have no right to say anything, especially since I own like 4 pairs of the same Forever 21 skinny jeans (they were $12.50, okay?). But at least put on a necklace or something. Flip flops instead of clunky white sneakers. Anything.

Mary Anne, your hair doesn't look completely horrific here. It's actually kinda cute. I don't really have anything else to say about you. I guess maybe I could reiterate my general disdain for the color pink, but whatever. You wouldn't listen anyway.

Claudia, if fashion was a video game, you would have already defeated Bowser and rescued the princess. You're wearing pinstriped denim. You're a sassy train conductor. Your shirt is drapey and involves ruffles, not unlike the one I am wearing right now. You're wearing dangly earrings you probably made yourself while you should have been learning how to spell. Please shift positions so I can see your shoes. With regards to whatever you're yelling at Mary Anne about: you are totally justified and I am on your side. Call me later - we can go shopping and gripe about your fellow club members.

* Trust me, I'm still an internet junkie. I am updating my tumblr, albeit mostly with pictures of Mary Kate Olsen and insightful captions like "fabulous", "give me your closet", etc. I also use twitter to prattle on about myself (because what is twitter for, really, if not vapid navel gazing?), Gossip Girl, etc. I love twitter, it's all about 140 character morsels of sometimes-wit. Also I've been big on channeling 17 year old billionaires lately. I'm thinking about investing in some bow ties.
** You're selling scrunchies now? For 6 dollars a pop? Oh for pete's sake, Dov. Pull it together.

by Unknown on Monday, April 27, 2009

Shopping with Claudia: How Psyched Are You For Summer?

Yeah, me too. Today was ridiculously warm and summery and maxidress-worthy. (I know, maxidresses are a polarizing item, the topic of much debate. Personally, I love 'em. They're California Casual, guys! Totally Schafer-approved.) Since the shoe buying moratorium is still in place (I will admit to trying on a pair of Chloe knockoffs by Dolce Vita at T.J. Maxx today), I'll limit my seasonally-trigged shopping jones to window shopping at etsy.

Kishi-approved vintage (
later in the series the ghostwriters started describing her as a thrift-store junkie, remember?) footwear below. Including a pair of ankle wrap sandals - you know how Claudia feels about shoes that lace up your calves.
Salina strappy sandals - size 10
Liz Wear fringe wrap sandals - size 6.5
Mixed Blues tricolor huraches - size 8.5
Pikolinos slingback sandals - size 7
Guijada handcarved clogs - size 9
Rieker laceup gladiators - size 6.5

Those purple Guijada heels . . . damn. Please, someone buy them and give them the love they deserve. They're amazing.

by Unknown on Wednesday, April 22, 2009

#67: Dawn's Big Move

Sweet fancy Moses! Look at all that fashion! Put it all on me!How could Dawn leave her best friends? Easily. And to answer the follow up question ("but why?"): probably because her California friends are way more interesting and don't cry at Hallmark commercials. She's ready to trade diaper changes for eating disorders, and I don't think we should judge her for that. But that's not really my point.

I don't have the book with me, but I can guarantee you that the plot is most likely "I miss sunshine it's frikkin' cold on the East Coast alright I'm outta here but I'll be back soon and then I'll leave again forever because I like toying with Mary Anne's emotions and that Ann M. Martin woman said something about my own spinoff series." So we're just going to look at the cover, which is awe-inspiring enough to deserve its own entry. (I mean, if you're willing to put up with all the shoe posts, you're probably willing to put up with just about anything. I plan to test this theory next week with a fascinating blog entry about proper use of the subjunctive*. Stay tuned! Riveting content ahead!)

Kristy is totally over the rest of these hos. At least, that's what I'm gleaning from her body language and facial expression. Her sneakers are clunky and blindingly white. Her jeans are baggy and, like, cornflower blue. Her neck is turtled. The only element of surprise here is the sweater. Would Kristy Thomas really wear a sweater adorned by a row of pink daisies? I call shenanigans.

Stacey thinks her poor man's prep school look is going to get her into Constance Billard. Listen Stacey, only one member at a time can flee this coop, and it is not your turn. You can drop the club later when you discover the joys of shoplifting, but best believe you will never be a Waldorf minion. No matter how pleated your skirts are.

Mary Anne is wearing some sort of pointy toe oxford or boot exactly like the ones I see on modern day male hipsters in frighteningly tight jeans. Her jeans are unremarkable. The shirt, however, raises all kinds of questions. What the hell is going on there? It's salmon, it's got a mandarin collar, and it's ornamented by puke splashes, like maybe she had an early a.m. babysitting job with a sickly child. Why didn't she go home and change? Why does she have the same haircut as Jonathan Taylor Thomas? Why do I care?

Dawn is tired of Texas Tuxedo Classic and is thusly choosing to mix it up by switching out her ill-fitting blue jeans for ill-fitting black jeans. She is also rocking that scrunchy. Totally tubular!

Our Heroine needs to consider wearing longer shirts with her leggings. But I'm a kind soul and I can forgive (unless you're Stacey). Especially since this outfit really sums up what The Kishi is all about: cowboy boots, wacky-ass patterns (her weapon in the war against normalcy!), side ponytails, and unattractive hats. (After extensive zooming, possibly also earrings the size of jar lids.) Work it out, girl. A+.

* Not really.
Photo credit: dibbly-fresh.

by Unknown on Sunday, April 19, 2009

Super Special #10: Sea City, Here We Come!*

"And then I could start thinking about serious things. Like which bikinis to take to Sea City."

The above quote reflects Claudia's frame of mind on the last day of summer school. Feel ya, girl. In fact, this is exactly how I feel about my impending graduation. I just want it to be over with so I can start thinking about how many times I will need to change my shoes during my wacky Sea City vacation.

When Claudia pulls her suitcase out of her closet, she finds three bags of pretzels. "So," she narrates, "we snacked while we packed." I'm telling you this because when I read that line my mind immediately went to Xzibit** (yo babysitting-dawg I hurd u like pretzels and travels so I put Rold Gold in ur Samsonite so u can snack while u pack***) and then I had to roll my eyes at myself for knowing so much about internet memes and so little about . . . well, anything of importance, really.

Moving on. Natural disasters follow the babysitters wherever they go, so it's only logical that a "gigantic" hurricane named Bill (we're pretty tight; I'm going to refer to him as Billy) comes along to test everyone's mettle****. Mr. Pike tells everyone to run and pack a few clothes ("enough for two days, tops") within fifteen minutes. This is challenging for Claudia.

"I was having a dilemma. I was wearing the only long pants I had packed, these overdyed navy jeans [more details, please]. I was also wearing a loose black cotton sweater over a white tank top. So if I packed my big purple Hawaiian shorts [I did the mental math for you and came up with a horrifying image, so let's just move on quickly], which were the next warmest pants, I'd be stuck having to wear an orange striped shirt [like clashing horribly has ever stopped her before?], which was the only long-sleeved one I'd brought. Unless I wore the sweater again over it . . .

'Uh, Claud?' Kristy said. 'Bill is a hurricane, you know - not a fashion show judge.'"

I kind of love Kristy Thomas. Bitch is hilar.

"I ended up packing three outfits - one in case it was cold and rainy, one in case it was warm and rainy, and one really nice one to change into if necessary (or if the weather cleared up). I thought that was very sensible. Oh, and some extra shoes and big bag of Mars bars I'd stashed away for a rainy day."

She did a way better job than I usually do, that's for sure. Last time I went back to my hometown I brought a pair of beaded flip flops, a pair of 4 inch cutout wedge sandals (I really enjoy the illusion of height) and a pair of thrifted oxfords which clearly once belonged to someone's adorably blue-haired grandmother. Since it was early frikkin' April in New York, guess which two pairs went totally unworn?

* Part 1. Mallory's makeover deserves a separate entry.
** worth watching.
*** I'm sure you can come up with better. I encourage you to do so - especially if there's hilarious photoshopping involved.
**** Mrs. Barrett exhibits (xzibits) an underwhelming amount of mettle, so Stacey steps in and assumes pretty much all parenting duties. The Babysitters Club: enabling negligent parents since 1986!

by Unknown on Monday, April 13, 2009

A Moment with Kim: Shoe Buying Moratorium* Temporarily Lifted

Because . . . I mean . . . come on.
Remember a while back, when I mentioned the whole 90's revival we're experiencing? I said something about how I wasn't sure if I was pro or anti, but maybe I'd, like, break out my high school collection of Doc Martens. At least one of you was like "oh honey I would reconsider that." And I see your point, especially since my Docs were mostly of the chunky oxford variety. Plus, I wasn't sure they were really my thing. Until I saw these ridiculous Docs (1460 W Goldilocks). I mean, I'm basically wearing wallpaper ON MY FEET. You know that if I'd been shopping with our girl, she would have bought a pair too.

They were also a pretty sweet deal - $30 marked down from $109 at Famous Footwear. I am going to be stomping around in these things like nobody's business.

* The moratorium was put into place after I stumbled upon a pair of Frye Carmen boots for 60% off at Urban Outfitters. Extremely irresponsible. Totally worth it.

by Unknown on Friday, April 10, 2009

A Moment with the Concept of 'Hipster': Not Just Parliaments and PBRs! (They Are Still Important.)

Thanks to tumblr and hipsterrunoff, I'm completely saturated with sarcastic and hilarious information about what it truly means to be a hipster. I recently looked up 'hipster' on urbandictionary (favorite definition: "You, for reading ironic, pseudo-intellectual dictionary entries on the word 'hipster'."), which led to me bein' all shame-faced and reaching for nail polish remover to get rid of the chipped black polish I may or may not have been wearing.

If you've yet to read Jeffro's Anatomy of a Hipster posts, go waste some time doing so. They are brilliant. Below are some of my favorites (disclaimer: no personal relevancy, of course - I am a magically original creature!*).
  • They are otherwise unable to read things that are not in big, bold Helvetica.
  • If you say "indie" ten times in the dark and in front of a mirror, Julian Casablancas will appear and blow cigarette smoke in your face.
  • They hate the mainstream, socio-political machine, but holy shit, do they love IKEA.
  • They prefer to have a full bed or larger so they have room to sleep with their MacBook, iPhone, Moleskine, a pile of dirty American Apparel clothes, a copy of last month's "Nylon", an ashtray full of Parliaments, and an empty beer bottle or two.
  • Crazy-ass patterns on hats and hoodies act as a hipster's camouflage in the war against normalcy.
  • They accessorize a lot so when their egos become too inflated, they'll be anchored and won't float away.
  • Hipster bars smell like unwashed armpits and arrogance.
  • Each one is waiting for someone else to say, "Wait. They don't love you like I love you..."
  • Most girls love Ed Westwick because they want a guy who is able to lock tongues passionately, be viciously spiteful, and then pass out in a drunken stupor -- all within the span of 3 minutes.
  • They'll express their love by burning you a mixed CD of obscure bands they think you should start listening to.
  • They don't shower because it's too mainstream.**
  • Guys make passes at girls with thick glasses.
* If you can't sense the sarcasm, we haven't been properly introduced. Maybe I should include relevant links to all the items on my tumblr which would serve as embarrassing illustrations of my overwhelming originality. I'll limit it to this. Oh, and this, because I have made that statement before in complete (if self-deprecating) earnest.
** Some of them are just lazy. I mean, not that I would know.

by Unknown on Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Mystery #5: Mary Anne and the Secret in the Attic


This was before the mysteries got really out of control and the babysitters were, like, taking down mafia bosses and whatnot. They're good babysitters, Ann, I'll give you that. But you are pushing it with this crimefighter thing, for real. But this one didn't involve any jewel theives or deranged model wannabes (do you remember this book*? Looking at the cover makes my head explode a little.) This is a nice, simple story about Mary Anne's dad losing his marbles after the death of his wife and shipping Baby M.A. to the midwest and then never telling her about it. Okay, maybe not nice, so much.
Looking at this cover makes me think that the whole bowl-cut thing she rocked for the second half of the series was not a wise choice. But seriously, how suspenseful is that cover? She's got a frikkin' Maglite. You know shit's going down if there's a frikkin' Maglite involved.

So apparently Mary Anne lays out her clothes the night before. Unfortunately for us, she laid out "a pink sweater and chinos, with these cute little boots [she'd] just bought." She guesses that you could say her style is "basically pretty preppy." Also pretty boring, M.A.

"Dawn's room was kind of a mess that day. Clothes were flung all over the place. Her jewelry was scattered over her dressing table, and I counted about seven different shoes littering the floor. 'How can you even have any idea of what clean clothes you have?' I asked, shaking my head [in a disapproving schoolmarmish fashion, I'm sure].

'Oh, I know just where everything is,' said Dawn. 'For example, I'm thinking of wearing my denim skirt today [I sincerely hope it does not have a frayed hemline, but I suspect that frayed hemlines are the height of California Casual], and it's hanging on the closet doorknob. And with it, I'll wear my turquoise necklace [add some coral and antiqued silver and you'd have yourself a fan, Schafer], which is behind that book.'"

She should try my method.(That is, oh, maybe one-sixth of my necklace collection. I need to hire someone to follow me around whispering "recession" in my ear at all times, particularly when I'm at Target and those bastards are brazenly flaunting jewelry collections with names like 'global', 'tribal', 'wannabe hippie shit'**, etc.)

Mary Anne had Sugar Snaps for breakfast. Dawn had Healthi-Os. I just thought you'd want to know.

According to Mary Anne, Claudia is a really sophisticated dresser. "For example, that day she was wearing a lacy white top over a solid white bodysuit [I'd like to imagine she was wearing this one instead], a black mini skirt with white polka dots on it, lacy white leggings [I checked Urban Outfitters for an example but ended up getting distracted by these, which you know she would love], and red high-tops. Plus some really outrageous black-and-white jewelry (earrings and bracelets and necklaces [pile it on, baby, you got that]) that she'd made herself out of papier mâché. Claudia's an excellent artist. You should see the portrait she once painted of Tigger."

I'll pass.

"'Stacey and I went to the mall today, and I got the cutest jumpsuit,' [Dawn] said. "It's turquoise, with a wide black belt. Wait'll you see it.'

I didn't say anything, and she just kept on talking. 'Stacey got the same one in pink. I think we're both going to wear them to school tomorrow. Or would that be dumb? Like we were trying to look like twins?'"

Yes.

Finally, let me introduce you to an insult so scathing it practically [write in something funny here; I can't do all the work].
Yeah. You heard her. "Stacy doesn't know a cactis when she sees one." You can use this. Next time you're at a party and someone drops a drink, just shake your head sadly and say "[Drink Dropper] doesn't know a cactus when [s/]he sees one." When the person you're speaking to asks "huh?" just roll your eyes and walk away. You will be known as a Woman of Mystery. Trust me, works every time.

* photo credit to dibbly-fresh. I bet you thought this was going to be some sort of sassy remark, didn't you.
** hey! Target! Need a marketing mastermind?