by Unknown on Monday, October 27, 2008

#41: Mary Anne vs. Logan

Logan Bruno is the original Edward Cullen. They're both overprotective and overbearing, although Cullen wins points for not having a painfully cliche super-Southern accent and Bruno wins points for not actually being a straight-up stalker. Soapbox moment: do not let your impressionable children read Twilight, lest they internalize the kind of freaky obsessive codependent relationship dynamics that Meyer insists are, like, romantic or something. Seriously, SO CREEPY.


Anyway, this is the book where Mary Anne realizes that Logan is totally Edward Cullen-ing her and cuts him loose, only to get back together with him 5 books later (in a tome creatively titled "Mary Anne Misses Logan" . . . which has possibly the best BSC cover of all time. I mean, look at that cover! It's a blog entry in itself.). Oh, Mary Anne. I'm choosing to forgive you because I too have made some not-so-stellar interpersonal choices. We live, we learn, and hopefully we graduate middle school (eventually) and drop the douchebag.

I probably wouldn't hate him so much if the ghostwriters didn't harp on that damn accent.

The fashion begins with "a typical Claudia outfit . . . black leggings [I can't escape them . . . 2008, 1991 - they're everywhere!], a baggy black-and-white shirtdress, low black shoes [up your shoe-description game, ghostwriters], and big wild earrings for her pierced ears." And then "blah blah blah Japanese-American = exotic blah blah junk food blah can't spell blah." Let's skip ahead!

"Claudia flopped onto her bed and leaned against the wall. She was looking especially acute that day. (Acute means cool. My friends and I make up words all the time, and only we know what they mean. [Actually, you guys merely redefine words that already exist, and not that creatively, either.] Distant [see?] and dibble [okay, got me there] also mean cool.) Claud was wearing an oversized raspberry-colored shirt, a short black skirt, and black leggings (the layered look). On her feet were black cowboy boots, and dangling from an earcuff was a huge collection of beads and stones. (Claud does have pierced ears, but the holes were empty.)"

Compared to Claudia, Mary Anne feels "like a complete nerd," and rightly so. ". . . I was wearing one of my better outfits: blue print pants that were wide on top but narrowed to cuffs at the ankles [zoot suit?], and a short-cropped t-shirt [Richard let her out of the house in a short-cropped t-shirt?] with the sleeves rolled up and this acute [sigh] picture of a cactus wearing a cowboy boot."

Oh yeah. Real acute.

Later, Logan comes over and basically orders Mary Anne to go on an impromptu date with him, and . . . I don't know, I just have to share this:

"'Logan!' I said, gasping. 'Slow down!' [Okay, out of context that comes across . . . wrong. They're ice skating, for the record. Perv.]
'Oh, you want a leisurely turn around the ice? That's a good idea. Then everyone can see what a great couple we make.'"



First! (Take that courtney, you ~*ho*~)

For reals, that cover is ridiculous. Nothing makes me miss old boyfriends like when they fall down.

Ed is obviously way cooler than Logan (were accents ever in?) but yes, the stalker thing is a real point killer. Whenever I think of that Predator/Prey graphic I vomit in my mouth. Ugh.

by Whitney on 7:27 PM. #

I don't think I need to tell you already that I love this entry.

by So@24 on 7:50 PM. #

Unless I miss my guess, "dibble" was supposed to be a riff on "incredible."

So even with a word they kind of made up, they fail.

by ReBecca on 8:33 PM. #

*steals 'Edward Cullening* as potential verb, plans to use on young cousin's creepy boyfriend in attempt to 'speak her language'*

by raych on 8:49 PM. #

logan = creeper!

by copperoranges on 8:55 PM. #

You are so correct. Twilight=dangerous. LOVE this entry!

by nikki on 9:30 PM. #

~* damn youuuu, Whitney you ~*ho*~ *~

SEVENTH! TAKE THAT BIATCHES. Seven is a lucky number.

Can you imagine if Logan had the benefit of being played by ~*RPATTZ*~ because if he did I would forgive him all his sins and throw down with Mary Anne just to make him my boyfriend. True story.

[Richard let her out of the house in a short-cropped t-shirt?]

LULZ. I was thinking the same thing. Oh, that Richard. All he needed was Sharon. Whenever that happened.

Anyway, thanks for my first laugh of the day, bb.

'Oh, you want a leisurely turn around the ice? That's a good idea. Then everyone can see what a great couple we make.'"

WHAT x 2.

by courtney on 1:13 AM. #

The thing that always weirded me out and annoyed me was that Logan was never that creepy before that one book. If I remember correctly, he usually had good intentions. . . he was probably just stressed out about some sport, like when he started treating her like shit in The Search For Tigger. =p

I never realized how sorta-disturbing her cactus-wearing-boot outfit was. I'm not sure I can even picture that. I even googled "cactus wearing cowboy boot," and evidently, nobody else can, either.

Is it finally to the point where I'm missing enough pop culture references that I have to actually read this Twilight thing? Dammit.

by Laura on 11:55 AM. #

I love your blog. It's hilarious and scary to think I tried to re-create those outfits when I was younger.
Also, I 100% agree that Edward is a creep. Everyone I know is in love with him (I'm 28) and I am just grossed out.

by Celia on 12:55 PM. #

i have that photo from the cover on a bookmark. i think it says "I ♥ friends!" awww...

by Joy on 2:20 PM. #

acute. like the triangle? is this because claudia's lack of knowledge is rubbing off on the entire club? unless one was describing my waist-line as acute, i don't think i would be flattered by having that be part of my description.

or acute as in "an acute observer?"

god, what a silly word to make up.

my best friend and i {who had our own bsc, which failed, but whatever} made up "splendifferous" and "dandela."

those are much better options as they are actually made up words.

by alicia on 1:34 PM. #

I am sooo glad I found you (and the SVH blog). I totally grew up reading these books.

Okay, that said, this entry made me laugh so hard I cried. Logan is beyond creepy here and I can't believe I didn't spot it at first!!

LET'S TAKE A LEISURELY TURN AROUND THE ICE SO EVERYONE CAN SEE WHAT A GOOD COUPLE WE MAKE--what X2! I can't even believe that was printed! I don't think I know anyone who talks like that in real life.

by fever dream on 4:38 PM. #

When we're accents not in? They're hot! Edward might be that much more appealing and that much less of a snooze I'd he spoke with R-Patz's English accent. But even Southern accents can be cute, too.

by Libellule on 2:50 AM. #

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