by Unknown on Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Mystery #4: Kristy and the Missing Child

What's up, guys. Negligent Blogger here.

I am really sick. But I'm thinking that "really sick" might somehow translate into "really funny," (probably also "really incoherent") because it's the kind of sick that makes you wonder if someone secretly dosed you. Seriously.

I mean, yeah, I feel like crap - I have a fever and my joints hurt and I would murder fluffy kittens for a decent backrub and my eyeballs are really hot (this is my default "I'm sick" complaint: "My eyeballs are hot! The world is ending! No one has ever suffered worse than this! Ever!") - but I am also so disoriented that I feel like I'm about to suffer a disgusting, drug-induced fate like you'd see in one of those cracked-out Spun/Requiem for a Dream/Party Monster/Human Traffic/etc*. type flicks.

Like, I feel like I'm swimming in air and it takes me approximately 3 minutes after you say something for me to process it and come up with a semi-coherent response (emphasis on semi), and ALSO my equilibrium is kinda off (meaning that it was maybe not the right day to wear these shoes). So, to whomever snuck into my apartment and drugged my oatmeal: VERY FUNNY. You'll get yours.

Right. Babysitters Club. I'm all over it.

So, Kristy lost a kid. What a shit babysitter. Let's all band together and draft a petition to throw her out of the club and therefore have Our Heroine take over the all-important Club President position. Because I could see some awesome changes being made, such as less babysitting and more shopping. Seriously, Baby Kim was always SO excited whenever the babysitters went to the mall. If the army of ghostwriters had asked my opinion, a new item would have been added to the book-writing template: "every book must include a chapter where the girls go malling." Or mauling. Either would have been entertaining.

Alright, technically she didn't lose the kid. Technically, Jake Kuhn's mom told him it was okay for him to walk home by himself. Unfortunately, Jake Kuhn's mom didn't realize he was a moron who would wander into construction sites in the rain (safe!) and then fall into a hole and - naturally - break his leg, leaving him stranded and alone. And apparently Jake Kuhn's mom isn't one of those Cool Moms** who gives her kid a cellphone for, like, their 3rd birthday. Dina Lohan's children would have never had this problem.

Um, fashion. Yeah. Thanks for staying with me. Ghostwriter was feeling lazy; we don't get a full outfit in Chapter 2. However, Ghostwriter does give us one item to contemplate: "gold lamé high-tops." Which, if I know Claudia, she definitely pairs with silver lamé shiny leggings and, uh, this shirt. The future is NOW, and it is GAUDY.

I guess Stoneybrook Middle School holds some kind of awards night that is basically equivalent to senior superlatives. I don't know, it sounds dumb to me, but maybe I'm just bitter because I didn't get a senior superlative. If only they'd had a "Most Likely to Play Daria Morgendorffer in a Major Motion Picture Adaptation" category! I would have been a shoe-in. Believe it or not, I'm getting less bitter with age.

Anyway, Stacey tells Claud "I'd love to win 'Coolest Dresser,' but I bet you'll get that one." Man, there are so many things I can say to this. So many things. But maybe I better get it out there that I have somehow morphed into Stacey McGill and I kind of hate myself for it. Seriously, I wear black all the time now. I go shopping, and I wander into the dressing room, and every item I'm trying on is black. I look in my closet and I'm like "this red sweater is nice! . . . but I think I feel like wearing black today." I am embracing my inner Sophisticated New Yorker and it is very cliche and embarrassing. Whatever, at least I don't consider Bloomingdales to be the fashion capital of the world. Nor do I pin sparkly dinosaurs to my berets. But watch for it, because when I start doing so we may need to have a serious talk.

So, back to Stacey's comment: BITCH PLEASE. Your MTV-watching, Madonna-style-swiping, Sassy-reading, no-individuality, bizarrely business-casual-wearing (what's with all the slacks?) style can't even begin to compete with the queen of snake bracelets, bungee cord belts, puffy shirts, velour knickers, and teddy bear barrettes.

Ghostwriter doesn't bother telling us who DOES win "Coolest Dresser," (dammit Ghostwriter) but I think we all know.

What Claudia & Stacey wore to Awards Night: (warning: lackluster outfits ahead) Claudia: "some kind of black jumpsuit-thing with a wide red belt" (I HATE wide 80s belts, I HATE extraneous belting, I HATE waist belts, HATE) & Stacey: "tie-dyed leggings and a short dress that was kind of also like a man's shirt."

Meh. Maybe they should just give Coolest Dresser to Cokie Mason and be done with it. That girl was SASSY.

Oh, and several years later Jake's skeleton was uncovered when the homeowners tore apart their foundation in the process of rebuilding the basement. Sad. If only Kristy hadn't let him walk home alone.***

* I had a phase where I really, really loved movies about (or revolving around) . . . well, drugs. Now I can't even think about Requiem for a Dream without weeping a little. Honestly, I still cry at the end of SLC Punk. I am a total pansy. But a pansy with great footwear.
** The fact that I youtube'd "cool mom amy poehler" and did not find a single relevant Mean Girls clip makes me extremely sad, so to make up for it here's a fabulous clip of Amy & Will Arnett in Arrested Development. You're welcome.
*** Wouldn't that have been great? Or am I just really sadistic?

14 comments

I've read some BSC, and when you said Kristy lost a kid, I thought...

Miscarriage? Who knocked Kristy up?

Perhaps I have been drugged, too.

by saratogajean on 3:26 PM. #

haha! i love your blog! hope you get better so i can read more about what claudia wore!

by le parfait al on 3:39 PM. #

What do you think made the "dress but kind of like a Men's shirt" a dress? Belt loops? A bit fitted at the sides? For reals, this is bugging me.

by Whitney on 5:29 PM. #

You know what giant belts remind me of? The giant wall clocks in the 80s that looked like wrist watches. wtf.

Also, Requiem for a Dream? Who do you think got it the worst? It's a great ice breaker at parties.

by So@24 on 6:47 PM. #

Don't forget about pushdown socks. Those are stylish mofos right there. Especially with leggings.

I miss my BSC books. I think we sold them in our garage sale like 8 years ago.

by Shelley on 9:15 PM. #

Did you use "Sassy-reading" as an insult?! Because Sassy was awwwwwwesome!

by Morgan on 5:25 AM. #

Glad I'm not the only one who thought Kristy had a miscarriage....

Also Sassy when it was owned by Jane = Awesome. Sassy when it was bought out by Young Miss (circa 1995)= LAME! That's when I cancelled my subscription in protest.

by nikki on 9:36 AM. #

Oh. My. Lord.

I just discovered your blog and I'm hooked. In fact, I haven't even read past this post and I'm hooked. This is amazing.

Of course, our relationship might be ill-fated from the start, because I adore belts, especially if they are completely superfluous, and I only ever wear them at the waist (the only thing that looks good slung around the hips is Han Solo's holster, and only if it is worn by Harrison Ford circa 1976). Ah, what might have been...

by Alli on 12:36 PM. #

I love you, bb. Even when you dis mah girl, Stacey.

Oh, and several years later Jake's skeleton was uncovered when the homeowners tore apart their foundation in the process of rebuilding the basement. Sad. If only Kristy hadn't let him walk home alone.***

ROFLMAO. YOU OWE ME A NEW KEYBOARD.

by courtney on 10:30 PM. #

That might be the most watered-down outfit description the ghostwriters have come up with to date. That kinda like a men's shirt description is driving me nuts, I want to knowwww!

Hope you feel better :)

by isingelectric on 4:18 PM. #

I just discovered your blog. And I think I love you. This is pretty much the best thing I've seen in a long, long time. I was completely enamored w/ those books, and I often think back on the f'ed up stuff they wore. Thank you for bringing it to light for us all.

by Katie on 9:54 PM. #

Would also like to give a shout-out to sassy before they changed the editors. You may be too young to remember, Kim, but it was a genuinely excellent alternative magazine for teenage girls before they fired all their editors. About fifty thousand times better than Teen, Seventeen or YM (which were pretty much all articles on how to get boys to like you or little embaressing stories about getting your period in front of your boyfriend-oh the horror!).

That said, I fucking love your blog.

by Catherine on 2:32 PM. #

Boo, first Kristy loses a kid then she can't desribe clothes properly.
And she wore jeans to awards night, didn't she.
Did anyone else think that Stacey and Claudia just... swapped outfits at the last minute? I mean, tie-dye is not sophisticated and we all know if it's not sophisticated aka a dinosaur pin, fedora or lack of pants, Stacey wouldn't wear it!

by stace on 4:28 AM. #

I am glad you mentioned Daria!! I think Kristy and Claudia are the Daria and Jane of middle school. Totally.

by Triple D All-Stars on 12:23 PM. #

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