by Unknown on Saturday, December 12, 2009

#42: Jessi and the Dance School Phantom

It's been close to two months since I've posted an entry. Trust me, I have plenty of very good excuses reasons why. In the interest of interactivity, I will leave you a list and you can pick the one that most appeals to you.

A. It's all tumblr's fault.
B. In love; snark levels compromised.
C. Existential crisis brought on by the realization that all of my clothes are too small or falling apart.*
D. Moved into new position at job; am tired at the end of the day.
E. My television isn't going to watch itself.
F. Cease and desist letter from Ann M. Martin's Army of Lawyers.

But enough about Kim "Lazy Blogger Extraordinaire" Hutt. The eleven year old prima ballerina of the BSC snagged yet another lead role, and now she must pay. Or something.

On with the cheap shots jokes!

The full text of the note reads "BEWARE. There is a scarecrow in an all-denim ensemble directly behind you!" Dawn is all "how dare you! Deep conditioning is bad for the environment!"

We all know Jessi is not exactly a fashion icon. She further proves this by celebrating the fact that she is restricted to black leotards and pink tights during ballet class. "I could just imagine the scene if we were allowed to wear anything: There'd be so much neon in the place that it would look like Times Square."

Other things it might look like: an American Apparel ad. A Forever 21 dressing room discard rack. The inside of Lady Gaga's brain. I too can work a simile, Martin!

As you may have guessed from the title and cover art, Jessi is getting seriously stalked here. She's creeped out enough about it to consider giving up the role of Princess Aurora. However, the other babysitters won't stand for this defeatist, "I wish to escape with my life" attitude.

"Mallory gasped. 'Give up the production!' she said. 'You're nuts, Jessi. That may be the best part you've ever gotten. You can't let them scare you out of it.'

'Mal's right,' said Claud. 'You can't quit. I've already bought a new outfit to wear to your opening night.' She laughed. 'I'm only kidding.'"

She's not. Jessi's safety means nothing compared to the joys of a new minidress.

Eventually they unmask the crazy (in a really stupid plotline involving an incriminating calligraphy pen) and all is well. Opening night arrives just in time for A.M.M. to think up more wacky outfits for her little posse of teen & tween fashionistas.

Jessi "Best Ballerina Evar" Ramsey wore "a black velvet dress." Yawn.

Stacey "I AM New York" McGill wore "a tuxedo! That's right, a tuxedo, just like one a boy would wear. But it was made to fit her perfectly, and she looked great. She must have gotten it in New York."

Kristy "I'd Rather Be Coaching Softball" Thomas wore "a dress, for once, and it was strange to see her in something other than a turtleneck and jeans. She looked really pretty."

Mallory "The Oft-Mocked Or Forgotten One" Pike wore "her best skirt and blouse." Again: yawn.

Dawn "Can I Go Back to California Yet?" Schafer wore "Mary Anne's new Laura Ashley dress", while Mary Anne "Huge F'in Crybaby" Spier sported "Dawn's pink jumpsuit".

Claudia "No Fanciful Nickname Could Possibly Encompass The Awesome" Kishi "looked extremely cool and exotic, as usual. Her hair was braided with silver ribbons, and she wore a shimmery dark blue minidress. On her feet were silver sandals, with laces up the calves - kind of like toe shoes."


* My inner cheapskate is sad about this, she really enjoyed buying $12 jeans at Forever21. Anyway, I'm solving this crisis by slowly filtering in classy, well-made items from (I know, I know, this is so mature and adult I can barely even stand it) Banana Republic. Today I set my progress back considerably by purchasing this doofy acrylic sweater coat thing from Urban Outfitters. Which is also not my fault: I was Christmas shopping. SOMETIMES THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU ARE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.


ha ha i am wearing that sweater in black while reading this. sometimes things happen indeed.

by Michelle on 6:09 PM. #

I was really hoping the phantom was a ghost, and it was that creepy guy hanging over her shoulder. Are you sure that's Dawn?

by jenny on 1:04 AM. #

I love that sweater! That is totally a "I can wear this to work and look way cooler than everyone else" sweater.

Also, really? A cease-and-desist letter from AMM's lawyers? Don't they realize you're promoting her in an age where no one else would be reading BSC books otherwise?

Claudia's opening night outfit is made of WIN.

by Tiff on 12:21 PM. #

Awesome post! And I agree with Tiff, I'm sure your blogging has inspired people to re-buy or at least re-read her books.

by Melanie on 3:38 PM. #

Damn, I love your blog.

by Heather Taylor on 3:47 PM. #

"Her best skirt and blouse" is all we get about Mallory's outfit? She really is a redheaded stepchild that nobody cares about.

by Shannon on 10:51 AM. #

I will choose C and D, because those are the same reasons I haven't updated my blog either.

Why did the tuxedo have to come from New York? You can't get a tux for a girl in Connecticut?

by 88Keys on 11:36 AM. #

Was this one of the mystery books? I can't remember... But yeah, for a fancy pants ballerina, Jessi's fashion choices always disappointed me!

by Rosemary on 9:58 PM. #

i feel like you may have written this before, but do you think mal grew up and discovered she is a lesbian?

by Lexie on 10:48 PM. #

I think you should do a review of the BSC movie. I don't remember any of Claud's outfits in particular, but I do remember a utensil windchime and an inspired rap about human anatomy.

by Aya on 10:02 PM. #

You make me LOL.
Please blog more.

And to Lexie - I believe Mallory and Kristy became lovers when they grew up. Obvs.

by SophisticatedBrew on 10:07 PM. #

Mallory always had the dumbest outfits. Remember that red jumper she had with "Mallory" stitched across the front? Bleh.

What do you think a jumpsuit looks like? Is it like a dress with straps, or like overalls, or the kind of thing a mechanic wears?

by Amanda on 7:38 PM. #

Man, your blog is so awesome that I wish you posted every day - but I'll settle for once every few months.

by Isabel on 10:02 AM. #

You aren't ever going to dedicate an entire post to Logan's fashion are you?

There was more to him than just a red and white football jersey, you know?

by So@24 on 4:26 PM. #


by 喜喜歡 on 3:42 AM. #

Ohhh, those lace up shoes of Claudia's. If I saw some now, I'd probably have to buy them, no matter how unflattering. Jessi does look rather gorgeous on this cover (she did tend to get a bad lot from Mathewuse) but Dawn's hair is strangely...square...

by Laura @ Hungry and Frozen on 4:29 AM. #



by Urooba on 4:41 AM. #

Ah yes, as I recall, Mallory's best skirt and blouse was the outfit she wore to her first interview with the BSC-- a red jumper with her name on it, and a white blouse (worn with white tights with little red hearts on them? Or is my memory playing tricks on me)? And later, Kristy (or someone) gave Mal the beat-down via the Club Notebook that she didn't have to get so "dressed up" for meetings?

But I digress. Your blog is AWESOME!!!

by Heidi on 10:05 PM. #

Dude, you could totally rock that sweater at work! Plain, white, long sleeved tee, tucked into a high-waisted chocolate pencil skirt. Add sassy heels or sensible flats as seen fit!

by Carolyn on 5:36 PM. #

Yikes... Dawn's hair on the cover looks horrific. What's goin on there?
But (I'm feeling pretty lame for even wondering this) who turned out to be the stalker person? Haha.

by Sondra on 6:21 PM. #


by kate on 2:50 PM. #

award time at my blog, and there's one for you.

by nikki on 9:52 PM. #

I immediately thought of you when I saw this article!!

by Ambitious on 9:26 AM. #

I was a die-hard BSC fan growing up and just found your blog... just read a few posts and it brings back so many memories. This is GREAT! Love it! Can't wait to read more.

by Anne-Marie on 6:37 PM. #

Hey I stumbled onto your blog via Jezebel and I have to tell you this is the best idea for a blog ever! Between The Kish and Clarissa as my childhood style icons I don't think my clothes ever matched or fit properly.

Awesome and hilarious! You're definitely on my blogroll now...


by Golden Girl Olive on 2:04 AM. #

I LOVE this blog. Keep it up! This has brought so much closure to my pre-teen fashion issues.

I don't think I properly conveyed to Ann M. Martin the one time I met her (BSC book signing!!!) how her random characters made me think ---but what BSC member am I supposed to be?

by Christine on 6:58 PM. #

I stumbled upon your blog via Jezebel, and I love that you have such an appreciation for the BSC Series!!! I read so many of those things--although not as far as the 80/90th ones. I wanted to be a BSC member when I was ten (didn't matter which one.) Thank you for also bringing a little well-deserved snark to this series as well as your excellent fashion criticism!

by BSnellington on 7:33 PM. #

This blog is so wonderful. I've been rotting in front of my computer going through post after post. All of my fashion flops stem from too much Claudia back in the day.

And by back in the day I mean back in senior year when I was still reading BSC.

by Sabrina on 7:36 PM. #

AWESOME BLOG!!! Good to see while the BSC left us (and is now coming back), we never left the BSC.

by Spicy Law Girl on 1:43 PM. #

I remember this book like I friggin' read it yesterday. There was a lot of ballet involved and I'm 99% sure it's why I know as much about The Sleeping Beauty as I do.
See? The BSC will learn you some kulture!


by Tamia on 8:27 PM. #

I remember this one especially because of the cover. I danced ballet when I was a kid and I wanted so badly a flowy skirt like the girl on the cover.

by Cait on 6:25 AM. #

For real. God, Mallory's such a dork.

by Sarah on 1:29 AM. #

This had me rolling on the ground laughing (well, almost). You've inspired me to try and tackle the awesomeness that is Christopher Pike books, which sadly inspire me creatively to this day. But that said, nothing can hold a candle to the babysitter's club and your on-the-nose hilarious comments. Can't wait till I finish reading everyone of your posts :P

(I thought Dawn would have smashed avocados onto her dry hair... that's a total granola and "original" thing Dawn would have done. That said, still love Dawn. Think somethings wrong with me)

by Wanderlusting on 1:14 AM. #

You should rename your comments sections "Pimp Your Blog Here."

by Libellule on 9:45 PM. #

Leave your comment