by Unknown on Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Damn England, What Happened?*

A while back, Alexandra sent me a series of images so horrible that I think my brain short-circuited. U.S. readers, are you aware that other countries have defaced these classic works of literature with cover images like the ones you see below?

I can only imagine that this is payback for the Revolutionary War.

I ended up taking an unplanned sabbatical from blogging (and honestly, that may resume after this entry, who knows) and never got around to sharing these monstrosities. Then I woke up around 3:00 a.m. this morning thinking about them. So here they are in all of their poorly-drawn glory.

And there are more. Many more. Alexandra told me she has a near-complete set of these things**. It's almost too much to process.
Claudia and the Genius of Elm Street

Not too much to complain about here -- dude did a real hatchet job on Rosie Wilder, who was super cute on the OG cover, but Claudia looks passably human. And she's got some sort of groovy Woodstock-inspired ensemble going on. Respect.
Grade: E (Excellent amount of jewelry)
Dawn and the Older Boy
There's a lot that's wrong here, and I'm not just talking about Travis. (I didn't think he could be more creepy than he was on the original cover, but here we are. There's a light in his eyes that suggests he's contemplating where he's going to bury all the bodies.) Why is Dawn suddenly sporty? She's wearing some crazy jersey that clashes with her turquoise shirt and pink pants -- so not California Casual, y'all. Is she having another identity crisis? And there's no way Dawn would ever drink a Coke. We all know Dawn is perfect and her body is a temple and she has no vices whatsoever and she exists solely on sprouts and self righteousness.
Grade: S (Shenanigans)
Mary Anne and Too Many Boys
Shit just got real. Why did they put that ugly little boy in a dress? Oh, that's supposed to be Mary Anne? Really? 'Cause that face looks like, I don't know, bad Justin Bieber fanart. Swear to god, even the bird on the pier is giving her side-eye.
Grade: G (Gender confusion)
Claudia and the Middle School Mystery
So maybe I've been watching too much Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, but I'm mildly concerned about Mr. Zorzi's creeper status. I know, I get it, she's taking a retest and he's suspicious or whatever. But. Doesn't it kinda look like he's checking her out? Watch yourself, Zorzi.
Grade: C (Consider calling Stabler and Benson)
Stacey's Choice
She chooses to wear Chuck Bass-style silk pajamas, and that's all there is to it, okay?
Grade: I (Intense eyebrows)
Keep Out, Claudia!
What's scarier, the mutant racist children in business casual or the clown (?) on Claudia's shirt? Mad props for rockin' the fringe vest like she's a nastygal model, but the orange sweatshirt has got to go. She's definitely considering killing those kids, by the way.
Grade: R (Reconsidering babysitting as a viable career choice)
Kristy's Big Day
I saved the best for last, folks. I'm so horrified by this cover. Crazy Mary Anne is back, raising one eyebrow and wearing a hat for no real reason. There's probably a joke about the royal wedding and British people wearing hats somewhere in there, but I am so tired of hearing about that wedding that I can't bring myself to make it. Anyway, Kristy is straight up busted here (not to mention badly in need of some Alberto V05 hot oil). Maybe the illustrator couldn't meet his deadline and outsourced this job to his 10 year old. That's gotta be the explanation for this, right?
Grade: W (Wtf)

* It may be 2011, but that won't stop me from making Mean Girls references. By the way, how great was Bossypants?
** That may have been a threat.


I am so glad I'm not the only one sick to death of the royal wedding. I want to see one picture of the pretty bride in her pretty dress, but that's all the media coverage I need.

And there are in fact too many boys on that gender-confused cover. Looks like the author took that title a bit too literally. *Shudder*

by Erin on 9:41 AM. #

I'm from the UK and I never saw these covers! I feel somewhat cheated - my covers were all the US ones.

by Tamsin on 9:44 AM. #

These are hideous! Especially the last one, where Kristy reminds me of the illustration from "Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark" that haunted my childhood:
For me, it's uncanny.

by Miss K on 10:40 AM. #

these are pretty bad.
and Bossypants was AWESOME! i kept getting weird looks from people while reading it in public because i would just start giggling uncontrollably.

by emily on 10:47 AM. #

I'm crying over here, K. A couple thoughts:

1) British Claudia appears to be hispanic, not asian.

2) In the last cover, Kristy looks like Tori Amos circa 1992, no?

by whitney on 10:59 AM. #

I had some of these! The Dawn and the Older boy one definitely, and I think Kristy's Big Day too... Somehow it never occurred to me that they were quite so awful/terrifying, possibly because I was too excited about actually reading the books.
But why is Kristy's face melting in the last illustration?!?!

by Laura on 11:25 AM. #

I don't know if I'm crying with laughter or with fear mixed with sadness topped with a sprinkling of terrified horror.

by Heebie Jeebie Jaya on 11:51 AM. #

Most wonderful thing.

by Christy Admiraal on 11:53 AM. #

Oh my goodness, I'm so happy that you're back I'm crying! haha, I've missed this blog so much!

by Erin on 4:26 PM. #

Thank God you're back... but these pictures... I mean, WOW, they're like something out of the MOBA catalogue. I'm wondering, how on earth could they have gotten approved? The art director at the publishing house must have been at least one of these things: (a) blind, (b) evil, (c) cheap, (d) apathetic, or (e) a child-hater. I think s/he must have also been racially confused-- Claudia looks Latina.

by CARRIE on 7:00 PM. #

You all might hate me for this, but:

Just as a warning: I did include 'Kristy's Big Day', but only as a runner-up...

by Myu on 7:34 PM. #

I just died laughing. Poor Mary Anne. She doesn't deserve this!

by Tiff on 8:10 PM. #

Wow, all these covers are pretty painful. lol

That teacher looks like he's very much looking down her shirt... D:

If you find time to do more, i'll be on the lookout. Cause this is one of the best blogs ever!

by Angel on 8:38 PM. #

Bahaha!! Randomly found your site just now. This post is high-larious!!! I used to be such a huge fan of the Babysitters Club in the 80s (with the US covers). but I gotta say...I think I probably would have judged a book by its cover at that age and passed on reading them with covers like the ones you've just shown. :P

by babyxswts5 on 11:48 PM. #

thank god you're back. also, I don't want to live in a world where there's a bad time to make a Mean Girls reference.

by benki on 4:30 PM. #

mwahahahah... i CAAAANTTTTTT... these are terrible!

by calla on 10:28 AM. #

I have no words for how bad these are. The #34 MaryAnne cover looks like Butthead (of "Beavis and" fame), #56 Claudia looks about 50, and #6 HAS to be a joke. That would be good for a 12-year-old trying to copy an existing cover.

Your blog is hilarious, I was linked from YA Highway.

by Stephsco on 3:49 PM. #

Sweet Lord, that last drawing is as majestic as it is terrifying.

by Isabel on 1:50 PM. #

Glad to see you back!!

I laughed so hard I cried over these pictures - seriously, WHO drew these???

by Anne-Marie on 8:09 PM. #

so glad you're back...i've been checking periodically and always so disappointed when there was no new posts! Don't ever leave us again! haha

by Passion Parties by Tammy Stewart on 9:00 PM. #

BSC was my childhood!!! Mary-Anne's cover was horrible! Is it only me that never paid any attention to Claudia's or Jessi's race? It's funny to me that this cast was clearly United Colours of Bennetton featuring different races/ people from imensely differing backgrounds and somehow pulled it off. Maybe because I was too young to care.

by Claire Dawn on 4:31 AM. #

Oh, I laughed so hard at this. Please continue updating, I need What Claudia Wore in my life.

by Gydea on 3:06 AM. #

Bahahaha - I could not stop laughing as I read this. Please please post more!

by living well on 11:40 PM. #

I love how the cover for Dawn and the Older Boy looks like a ton of 80s American references and advertising thrown together with no acknowledgement of the actual storyline whatsoever. :)

by The Kindly One on 8:54 AM. #

I LOVE THESE AND I THINK I MIGHT JUST HAVE TO SAVE THEM ON MY HARD DRIVE. but seriously, dude: how did anyone in England ever feel compelled to pick up these monstrosities and read them?

by Gabriela on 1:25 PM. #

Ha! These are hilarious. I'm from Ireland and I had the Mary Anne and Too Many Boys book with THAT cover. What an ugly illustration! She's got a more masculine stance than the guy she's holding onto. And she does look more than a little Bieber-like...

by Geribubbles on 9:02 AM. #

This is amazing.

by Sirinya on 5:10 PM. #

please stay this time

by jess on 1:23 AM. #

Good lord. Mary-Anne looks at least fifty years old and like one of those crazy old bats that sits next to you on the train and rabbits on about royal weddings and their grandkids' spelling bee. I'm super glad we got the US covers here, cause there's not a snowflakes chance in hell I would've picked up one of them...

by winstonegbert on 5:05 AM. #

Oh my lord, as Miss K said above, that last illustration totally reminds me of that drawing from Scary Stories that traumatized me for years.

by Rachel on 11:02 PM. #

I love this. As always, you had me laughing in weird guaffs while my dogs looked embarrassed for me.

by Holly Hilgenberg on 1:02 AM. #

Um. The kid on the right of the "Keep Out Claudia" pic appears to be jackin' his/her wenis. This should get grade G, cause clearly there's some gender confusion implications.

by Nicole Peeke on 9:37 PM. #

The last one looks like Catherine Tate!

by Sarah on 2:45 AM. #


by Yahong Chi on 9:55 PM. #

Thank you. I needed this :)

by Christen on 8:27 PM. #

LOL at your comments. SOOO true!

by Dee on 1:27 AM. #

トリーバーチ トート will be a lot of consistently accepted having a large number of plastic, vinyl, トリーバーチ 財布&コインケース egyptian cotton plus very much the same elements.

by burch tory on 1:42 AM. #

iphone marc Jacobsが高い評価を博す!自分への褒美やギフトにも最適!iphone ケース marc Jacobsの魅力散発!世界中で人気iphoneケースランキングのNO.1です。あなたも是非一つのiphoneケースを手に入りましょう。

by 蔡豪 on 5:26 AM. #

これは男女兼用種のグッチレザーです!gucci バッグ!グッチに理想的だったので、バッグは素晴らしいです!グッチ バック&リュックその上贅沢で華美でありそれとも限度を設けて版で、長く躊躇してもしかしたらすぐ空いていたことを売る!!

by linmin fu on 2:04 AM. #

We create an unique Natural herbal extracts with functionality that can be used to promote health and beauty.

by Herb extract on 1:17 AM. #

rayban 眼鏡をかける彼女の姿を見るたび、なんとか寂しい気持ちに襲われたらしいです。掛けるray ban メガネは何度も替えたらしいが、その夢について、今どう思うでしょう。手に入るこのレイバン RB4105は自分の思いを伝えるでしょうか。

by bottega veneta 財布 on 5:54 AM. #

Indian incense gum extract, is a health benefit on the human body but there are side effects of Herbal extracts and resin, medicine used to lower cholesterol

by Herb extract on 9:49 PM. #

コスプレ(COSPLAY)通販・販売ショップCOSERなら、人気のゲームやアニメのコスチュームや靴、ウィッグなど、種類豊富に取り揃えています。良い商品を卸販売だから実現できる格安のお値段でコスプレイヤーの皆さんを応援します!コスプレ衣装・コスプレウィッグのその他、パーティードレスやランジェリーなど、こだわりのアイテムも販売(通販)しておりますので、イベントやパーティーなど気合を入れてオシャレをしたい時にも是非ご利用ください。【コスプレ通販・販売ショップ・ファッション通販 COSER.JP】

by cosplay on 3:21 AM. #

I remember Kristy's Big Day as being horrific. I just didn't remember HOW horrific.

On the other hand, some of the covers were really nice. The Little Sister ones were pretty great, and some of the main series. I don't know why they didn't just use the same artist all the way through.

You made me laugh till I nearly stopped breathing, so thanks for that. You can count on one new reader here.

by Sati on 6:55 PM. #

Leave your comment