A Moment with Kim: Haters to the Left
For the directionally challenged haters, it's <----- this way.
Some of you fools are not appreciative enough. You demand pictoral evidence documenting these crimes of fashion. (Some of you even think I should be recreating these outfits, but I am not "exotic" [read: asian] enough to do so.) And once in a while I bring the .jpgs, but quite frankly I am too lazy for that shit most of the time. Isn't it bad enough that I'm doing this? Do you know what it's like to explain this hobby to people in Real Life?
People tend to look at you funny, that's all I'm saying.
Luckily for you, I've been listening to a lot of Blackout lately. And in the inspirational words of Britney Spears' songwriters: "they want more? Well, I'll give them more."
Therefore, we interrupt our irregularly scheduled blogging format to bring you:
I know, I know, you're impressed with my mad Photoshop skills, but you don't have to inundate me with graphic design job offers. Your love is all I ask for. Unless you have that doll and are willing to send it to me, in which case I ask for that.
And yeah, that is candy corn. Cause, why not.
I'm pandering to my audience. And my audience is you. And you know you love me.
xoxo,
Gossip Kim*
* wouldn't it be great/horrible if I went through a Gossip Girl Blog Renaissance? "What's up Upper Bradford Court Siders, Gossip Kim here. Did you see the new perm S. was rocking at the Remember September dance? Don't tell M.A., but my sources informed me that L. and S. were looking mighty cozy. Meanwhile, C. resorted to her usual defense when dealing with yet another mom-funded S. makeover: creating bracelets out of telephone cords. Grab your flak jackets, SMS - I don't think we've seen the last battle in this clash of the fashion titans."
For the directionally challenged haters, it's <----- this way.
Some of you fools are not appreciative enough. You demand pictoral evidence documenting these crimes of fashion. (Some of you even think I should be recreating these outfits, but I am not "exotic" [read: asian] enough to do so.) And once in a while I bring the .jpgs, but quite frankly I am too lazy for that shit most of the time. Isn't it bad enough that I'm doing this? Do you know what it's like to explain this hobby to people in Real Life?
People tend to look at you funny, that's all I'm saying.
Luckily for you, I've been listening to a lot of Blackout lately. And in the inspirational words of Britney Spears' songwriters: "they want more? Well, I'll give them more."
Therefore, we interrupt our irregularly scheduled blogging format to bring you:
I know, I know, you're impressed with my mad Photoshop skills, but you don't have to inundate me with graphic design job offers. Your love is all I ask for. Unless you have that doll and are willing to send it to me, in which case I ask for that.
And yeah, that is candy corn. Cause, why not.
I'm pandering to my audience. And my audience is you. And you know you love me.
xoxo,
Gossip Kim*
* wouldn't it be great/horrible if I went through a Gossip Girl Blog Renaissance? "What's up Upper Bradford Court Siders, Gossip Kim here. Did you see the new perm S. was rocking at the Remember September dance? Don't tell M.A., but my sources informed me that L. and S. were looking mighty cozy. Meanwhile, C. resorted to her usual defense when dealing with yet another mom-funded S. makeover: creating bracelets out of telephone cords. Grab your flak jackets, SMS - I don't think we've seen the last battle in this clash of the fashion titans."
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Super Mystery #3: Baby-sitters' Fright Night
By the time the series got to the Super Mystery stage of the game, they were . . . well, I'll be kind and say reaching. The mysteries in general are pretty notorious for being ludicrous. Even when I first read them I was like "the police want you involved in the investigation? Are you sure?" The cop in those books was always letting them into the interrogation room and stuff like that.
This one involves a huge diamond being hidden in a ceramic pumpkin Abby buys as a souvenir. I'll leave it at that.
"For example, today, while Claudia was no doubt running around Stoneybrook in some tribute to the season that included Halloween colors and themes (last year it was Doc Martens with pumpkin stickers, a hand-batiked shirt in orange and black, plus one orange sock and one black sock), Stacey had gone for almost total black [like her soul?]: black jeans, black boots, black turtleneck, silver cropped top over that, black boots with silver side buttons and silver X earrings."
I feel like there are people who will be okay with that outfit. However, it would help if we could understand what Ghostwriter here was trying to say. Is it a vest? What if it was a silver sequined vest, guys. How Urban Outfitters of her. Seriously.
Oh, and listen to this shit:
"Jessi's fond of wearing leotards even when she is not dancing; she has them in every color imaginable."
ANGRY SIGH.
By the time the series got to the Super Mystery stage of the game, they were . . . well, I'll be kind and say reaching. The mysteries in general are pretty notorious for being ludicrous. Even when I first read them I was like "the police want you involved in the investigation? Are you sure?" The cop in those books was always letting them into the interrogation room and stuff like that.
This one involves a huge diamond being hidden in a ceramic pumpkin Abby buys as a souvenir. I'll leave it at that.
"For example, today, while Claudia was no doubt running around Stoneybrook in some tribute to the season that included Halloween colors and themes (last year it was Doc Martens with pumpkin stickers, a hand-batiked shirt in orange and black, plus one orange sock and one black sock), Stacey had gone for almost total black [like her soul?]: black jeans, black boots, black turtleneck, silver cropped top over that, black boots with silver side buttons and silver X earrings."
I feel like there are people who will be okay with that outfit. However, it would help if we could understand what Ghostwriter here was trying to say. Is it a vest? What if it was a silver sequined vest, guys. How Urban Outfitters of her. Seriously.
Oh, and listen to this shit:
"Jessi's fond of wearing leotards even when she is not dancing; she has them in every color imaginable."
ANGRY SIGH.
#84: Dawn and the School Spirit War
To quote our girl, oh my lord. I am exhausted just thinking about the amount of fashion I'm about to bring you. Plus, this book is the ever-so-subtle Nazi metaphor tome. Remember those? I mean, it's not half as laughable as It Can't Happen Here, but it's still kinda "Very Special Episode", if you get my drift. Plus, it's narrated by Dawn, so you know a lot of self-righteous lecturing lies ahead. The fact that I remembered the title of that Sweet Valley book without even having to google it is kind of making me want to kill myself. I'm hoping and praying it's just stuck in my brain because it's so ridiculously melodramatic. And look at that cover! Poor Elizabeth is always in peril. It must be really tough to be her. Oh, and speaking of those wacky Wakefield twins: check it out.
Okay, that's enough sidetracking. (You and I both know this is categorically untrue: in my world, there is never enough sidetracking.) Let's get started.
So the book starts out with Dawn bitching about how it's still too cold in Stoneybrook for her baggy white cotton pants. Predictably enough, she points out that they would be totally weather-appropriate in California. God, quit yer bitchin' and just buy a plane ticket already.
Dawn also backhandedly shits on Mallory, which amuses me. Direct quote: "despite the age difference, we're friends with Mal because she's also a Baby-sitters Club member." If I was overseeing a rewrite of this book, the next line would be: "Otherwise, we wouldn't be caught dead with this idiot! She's always talking about horses!"
"I smiled to myself when Claudia appeared. Her long black hair was tucked into a wide-brimmed purple rain hat with colorful Native American designs painted on the brim. She wore a matching purple slicker with identical designs along the hum. Even her umbrella matched! She is the only person I know who can manage to look totally fashionable on a disgusting, rainy day.
'What do you think?' Claudia asked when she noticed Mary Anne, Mallory, and me staring at her rain outfit [with looks of sheer horror on our faces]. 'I painted the designs myself. They're authentic. I got them from a book.'"
Oh, a book. Okay, then. Authentic enough for me!
As they're discussing the School Spirit month that this masterpiece will center on, Dawn muses that Claudia's comment about wearing the school colors means that "she was probably already trying to figure out how to work them into a cool new outfit." Damn straight she was! The girl thinks about two things: candy and fashion. And occasionally children, if the little rugrats can't figure out how to entertain themselves. But she resents them for it.
Onwards to Pajama Day. This is where the fun really gets rolling, because shy-to-the-point-of-social-retardation Mary Anne is all tweaked out about the idea of wearing pajamas to school. But let's cut through the bullshit and get back to the fashion.
"'I have an idea for making a pajama set with the initials SMS silk-screened across the front.' said Claudia.
'But aren't you supposed to wear your real pajamas?' Mary Anne asked [while weeping softly into her napkin].
'So I'll sleep in the outfit one night. That will make them real pajamas.' [Touché, Kishi. Your creative mind never fails to amaze.]
'I'm going to wear these pajamas Nannie bought me that are so weird looking I never actually sleep in them,' Kristy said excitedly. 'They have pink bunnies all over them. They'd be perfect.' [Nannie also knits you sweaters with scottie dogs on the front, K-Thom. What's that about?]
'You want to look ridiculous?' Mary Anne asked incredulously.
'Sure, that's the fun of it.' [That is so Kristy. But I kind of love her for it.]
'Kristy, you should wear your hair all stuck up on top of your head,' Claudia suggested. 'You know, like you just woke up.'
'Good idea! But why just me? Why don't you wear your hair like that?'
'Claudia wants to look like she breezes out of bed in attractive silk-screened pajamas with her hair looking perfect,' I teased.
'Exactly,' Claudia said."
Because she is a super-tranny from Transylvania who is not apologizing for it. Seriously though, you know Claudia grew up to be the woman who, after spending the night with a man, sneaks out of bed at 5am and spends an hour making herself all glowing and tousled and sexified and then sneaks back into bed all "what? I always look like this in the morning!" I, on the other hand, don't even bother to wipe the drool off my pillow. Love me, love my excessive amounts of drool, that's what I say.
California Casual time! "I pulled on jeans, a blue workshirt [what? I guess she means it's from Carhartt or something? Ann M. Martin, I demand you explain this fuckery immediately.], socks [good to know], and sneakers, and raced down the stairs. I came to a screeching halt when I reached the kitchen. Mary Anne stood at the counter eating a bowl of corn flakes dressed in a yellow sweat shirt dress, yellow stockings, and black flats. [This could possibly be cute. I'm astounded.] 'Mary Anne, why are you dressed all in . . .' Then I remembered. 'Class Color Day!' I cried.
Yellow was the eighth-grade color. [Thanks, braintrust, but I think we could have figured that one out on our own, especially since you've been in eighth grade for about ten years at this point.]
'I've been dying to wear this new dress somewhere so today seemed like a good opportunity,' Mary Anne said with a hint of apology in her voice. [Don't let her guilt you with her "morals", Mary Anne. Conform to the demands of society! We're all doing it!] I think she felt a little guilty about giving in to School Spirit Month [lord, it's not like it's going to take away her virtue or anything. That's what Logan's there for. That phrasing sounds like Dawn suspects School Spirit Month might be a date rapist.] after all the complaining she'd done.
I didn't blame her, though. If you have a great new yellow dress on a day when you're supposed to wear yellow, why not wear the dress?
I, however, didn't have anything yellow in my wardrobe. And I don't look particularly good in yellow. [Really? Miss Hippie Happy Sunshine?] 'Do you have anything else that's yellow?' I asked Mary Anne.
'I don't think so.' Mary Anne put her bowl in the dishwasher. 'Anyway, it's getting late.'
'I'm going back upstairs to see if I can dig up something yellow.' I said.
'You'd better be fast.' [That's what she said.] [Sorry.]
'Go ahead without me,' I told Mary Anne.
'All right. Good luck.'
I zoomed back upstairs and started pulling open my drawers. There was nothing yellow. Then I threw open the suitcase which still held my summery stuff from [<3<3<3] California [<3<3<3]. 'Yellow! Yes!' I cried triumphantly [nothing like a good triumphant cry] as I snapped up a pair of yellow socks."
Not. Even. Trying. Anyway, it gets hysterical from here, as Dawn ends up snapping at this television interviewer and then is portrayed unfairly as a raging bitch (which, I mean . . . too easy) on the local news show and her mom Sharon gets all into an uproar and the whole community basically implodes. Have you ever thought about how much of life in Stoneybrook revolves around these seven girls? I'm surprised they haven't erected a statue dedicated to the finest organization ever created. No, not Hooters.
Here is a dramatic pictoral representation. I'll give you a moment to digest. Thanks to dibbly-fresh for letting me steal their scan. Without permission.
After all the brouhaha calms down, everyone decides to let those who want to celebrate Spirit Month do so, and those who aren't interested don't have to participate. I mean, duh. They had to hold a fucking town conference over this. Unbelievable. In the final chapter, Dawn lets us know that on Pajama Day, Claudia "looked chic in her lounging pajamas."
Again, duh.
In bad news, I am totally running out of BSC books and the Hadley Salvation Army is failing to provide me with the cheap paperbacks I need. I am getting suspicious here, because that store is overrun with UMass hipsters who snatch up all the good shit before you get there. (However, I did find this hilariously seventies Mary Kate and Ashley vest the other day. It's like, all velvet and flower embroidery and basically looks like something Claudia would have whipped up on a lazy Saturday morning while eating copious amounts of Hersey's kisses.) Is it possible the hipsters are buying my books? 'Cause, how dare they.
Sorry guys, I was drinking some chardonnay while writing this entry and it apparently made me more chatty than usual. If you made it all the way through, we are now bffs and your hand-woven friendship bracelet is in the mail.
Shegotzen: I feel like I'm answering a personal ad, but e-mail me.
To quote our girl, oh my lord. I am exhausted just thinking about the amount of fashion I'm about to bring you. Plus, this book is the ever-so-subtle Nazi metaphor tome. Remember those? I mean, it's not half as laughable as It Can't Happen Here, but it's still kinda "Very Special Episode", if you get my drift. Plus, it's narrated by Dawn, so you know a lot of self-righteous lecturing lies ahead. The fact that I remembered the title of that Sweet Valley book without even having to google it is kind of making me want to kill myself. I'm hoping and praying it's just stuck in my brain because it's so ridiculously melodramatic. And look at that cover! Poor Elizabeth is always in peril. It must be really tough to be her. Oh, and speaking of those wacky Wakefield twins: check it out.
Okay, that's enough sidetracking. (You and I both know this is categorically untrue: in my world, there is never enough sidetracking.) Let's get started.
So the book starts out with Dawn bitching about how it's still too cold in Stoneybrook for her baggy white cotton pants. Predictably enough, she points out that they would be totally weather-appropriate in California. God, quit yer bitchin' and just buy a plane ticket already.
Dawn also backhandedly shits on Mallory, which amuses me. Direct quote: "despite the age difference, we're friends with Mal because she's also a Baby-sitters Club member." If I was overseeing a rewrite of this book, the next line would be: "Otherwise, we wouldn't be caught dead with this idiot! She's always talking about horses!"
"I smiled to myself when Claudia appeared. Her long black hair was tucked into a wide-brimmed purple rain hat with colorful Native American designs painted on the brim. She wore a matching purple slicker with identical designs along the hum. Even her umbrella matched! She is the only person I know who can manage to look totally fashionable on a disgusting, rainy day.
'What do you think?' Claudia asked when she noticed Mary Anne, Mallory, and me staring at her rain outfit [with looks of sheer horror on our faces]. 'I painted the designs myself. They're authentic. I got them from a book.'"
Oh, a book. Okay, then. Authentic enough for me!
As they're discussing the School Spirit month that this masterpiece will center on, Dawn muses that Claudia's comment about wearing the school colors means that "she was probably already trying to figure out how to work them into a cool new outfit." Damn straight she was! The girl thinks about two things: candy and fashion. And occasionally children, if the little rugrats can't figure out how to entertain themselves. But she resents them for it.
Onwards to Pajama Day. This is where the fun really gets rolling, because shy-to-the-point-of-social-retardation Mary Anne is all tweaked out about the idea of wearing pajamas to school. But let's cut through the bullshit and get back to the fashion.
"'I have an idea for making a pajama set with the initials SMS silk-screened across the front.' said Claudia.
'But aren't you supposed to wear your real pajamas?' Mary Anne asked [while weeping softly into her napkin].
'So I'll sleep in the outfit one night. That will make them real pajamas.' [Touché, Kishi. Your creative mind never fails to amaze.]
'I'm going to wear these pajamas Nannie bought me that are so weird looking I never actually sleep in them,' Kristy said excitedly. 'They have pink bunnies all over them. They'd be perfect.' [Nannie also knits you sweaters with scottie dogs on the front, K-Thom. What's that about?]
'You want to look ridiculous?' Mary Anne asked incredulously.
'Sure, that's the fun of it.' [That is so Kristy. But I kind of love her for it.]
'Kristy, you should wear your hair all stuck up on top of your head,' Claudia suggested. 'You know, like you just woke up.'
'Good idea! But why just me? Why don't you wear your hair like that?'
'Claudia wants to look like she breezes out of bed in attractive silk-screened pajamas with her hair looking perfect,' I teased.
'Exactly,' Claudia said."
Because she is a super-tranny from Transylvania who is not apologizing for it. Seriously though, you know Claudia grew up to be the woman who, after spending the night with a man, sneaks out of bed at 5am and spends an hour making herself all glowing and tousled and sexified and then sneaks back into bed all "what? I always look like this in the morning!" I, on the other hand, don't even bother to wipe the drool off my pillow. Love me, love my excessive amounts of drool, that's what I say.
California Casual time! "I pulled on jeans, a blue workshirt [what? I guess she means it's from Carhartt or something? Ann M. Martin, I demand you explain this fuckery immediately.], socks [good to know], and sneakers, and raced down the stairs. I came to a screeching halt when I reached the kitchen. Mary Anne stood at the counter eating a bowl of corn flakes dressed in a yellow sweat shirt dress, yellow stockings, and black flats. [This could possibly be cute. I'm astounded.] 'Mary Anne, why are you dressed all in . . .' Then I remembered. 'Class Color Day!' I cried.
Yellow was the eighth-grade color. [Thanks, braintrust, but I think we could have figured that one out on our own, especially since you've been in eighth grade for about ten years at this point.]
'I've been dying to wear this new dress somewhere so today seemed like a good opportunity,' Mary Anne said with a hint of apology in her voice. [Don't let her guilt you with her "morals", Mary Anne. Conform to the demands of society! We're all doing it!] I think she felt a little guilty about giving in to School Spirit Month [lord, it's not like it's going to take away her virtue or anything. That's what Logan's there for. That phrasing sounds like Dawn suspects School Spirit Month might be a date rapist.] after all the complaining she'd done.
I didn't blame her, though. If you have a great new yellow dress on a day when you're supposed to wear yellow, why not wear the dress?
I, however, didn't have anything yellow in my wardrobe. And I don't look particularly good in yellow. [Really? Miss Hippie Happy Sunshine?] 'Do you have anything else that's yellow?' I asked Mary Anne.
'I don't think so.' Mary Anne put her bowl in the dishwasher. 'Anyway, it's getting late.'
'I'm going back upstairs to see if I can dig up something yellow.' I said.
'You'd better be fast.' [That's what she said.] [Sorry.]
'Go ahead without me,' I told Mary Anne.
'All right. Good luck.'
I zoomed back upstairs and started pulling open my drawers. There was nothing yellow. Then I threw open the suitcase which still held my summery stuff from [<3<3<3] California [<3<3<3]. 'Yellow! Yes!' I cried triumphantly [nothing like a good triumphant cry] as I snapped up a pair of yellow socks."
Not. Even. Trying. Anyway, it gets hysterical from here, as Dawn ends up snapping at this television interviewer and then is portrayed unfairly as a raging bitch (which, I mean . . . too easy) on the local news show and her mom Sharon gets all into an uproar and the whole community basically implodes. Have you ever thought about how much of life in Stoneybrook revolves around these seven girls? I'm surprised they haven't erected a statue dedicated to the finest organization ever created. No, not Hooters.
Here is a dramatic pictoral representation. I'll give you a moment to digest. Thanks to dibbly-fresh for letting me steal their scan. Without permission.
After all the brouhaha calms down, everyone decides to let those who want to celebrate Spirit Month do so, and those who aren't interested don't have to participate. I mean, duh. They had to hold a fucking town conference over this. Unbelievable. In the final chapter, Dawn lets us know that on Pajama Day, Claudia "looked chic in her lounging pajamas."
Again, duh.
In bad news, I am totally running out of BSC books and the Hadley Salvation Army is failing to provide me with the cheap paperbacks I need. I am getting suspicious here, because that store is overrun with UMass hipsters who snatch up all the good shit before you get there. (However, I did find this hilariously seventies Mary Kate and Ashley vest the other day. It's like, all velvet and flower embroidery and basically looks like something Claudia would have whipped up on a lazy Saturday morning while eating copious amounts of Hersey's kisses.) Is it possible the hipsters are buying my books? 'Cause, how dare they.
Sorry guys, I was drinking some chardonnay while writing this entry and it apparently made me more chatty than usual. If you made it all the way through, we are now bffs and your hand-woven friendship bracelet is in the mail.
Shegotzen: I feel like I'm answering a personal ad, but e-mail me.
Super Special #8: Baby-sitters at Shadow Lake
I bring: more pictures. Because it is a snow day and I've yet to even change out of my pajamas. There really couldn't be a better time for me to update. I feel very close to you all after witnessing the dance attire of the last entry together. And I bring better news this time.
And slightly larger.
Seriously, doesn't this cover just embody the spirit of the whole series? Girls around a campfire staring lovingly at each other, holding flashlights under their faces, toasting marshmallows, and wearing some extremely intense American Apparel-style glasses frames? Plus, for once they are all drawn fairly true to what they looked like (in my ten year old mind, anyway). Sure, Dawn's hair still isn't nearly long enough, but at least it's not the same damn shade/style as Stacey's. And of course, they all look approximately 27 years old.
With that said, can we talk about Claudia? Because I feel like I see this outfit on my campus everyday. Minus the side ponytail, that is. I'm starting to think that Claudia was actually some sort of bizarre idiot savant who secretly constructed a time machine and spent a lot of time checking in on 2007/2008. I almost kind of love the cowboy boots. I don't think I could rock them, but our heroine is totally pulling them off.
Thoughts on the other ladies: Now, I'm a big fan of mustard yellow. However. What the hell is Stacey wearing? Why did she think yellow gold was a good jewelry choice? Sam spends the entire book pining after this?
Surprisingly, I'm totally behind Mallory's outfit choice. I don't know why, I just am. I think it's those damn big glasses. They somehow make the safari-reminiscent double breasted shirt okay. With the right pair of shoes (I would probably want to tuck the jeans into some campus boots, but that's me) this could somehow be a good outfit. I find myself quite bemused by the whole thing.
The only other sitter worth noting is Kristy, because she is also surprising me by being almost adorably cute. I always picture her in baggy, ill-fitting stuff, jeans with the bottoms rolled up (why did the illustrators rely so much on that detail? It looked horrible!) and turtlenecks with lots of pills. She is practically L.L. Bean ready in her little preppy sneakers and khakis! Cutie.
And now for some text.
"On that particular day, Claud was wearing a pink tank top over a white tank top and a pair of neon pink-and-black bicycle shorts. Also, she was wearing three pairs of flop socks [ you know what simile is rapidly approaching, don't you], arranged so that her ankles looked like multicolored ice cream cones. Her sneakers were Day-Glo yellow. [cause why not?]
Stacey was wearing a simple (for her) outfit - black leggings [there they are again. Say it with me now: leggings are not pants. Except if Claudia wears them. I'm cool with that.], a long black t-shirt with brilliant [I know she means colorful but I prefer to imagine that the starfishes' SAT results were printed on the back of the shirt] starfish swooping across the front, black flop socks, and high-tops.
'Doesn't black absorb heat?' I asked Stacey. 'Isn't that why people wear a lot of white in the summertime? Because it reflects the sunlight or something? You must be boiling.'
'Yeah, but I look good,' she replied [up for debate, sweetheart], and everyone laughed. Sometimes Stacey says things like that just to annoy me, since I couldn't care less about clothes."
They're all out to get you, Kristy.
"It's four o'clock," said Claudia.
"So?"
"The dance begins at eight."
"Yikes!" I cried. I sat up fast. "Boy, do we have a lot to do."
"Thank goodness we don't have to get too dressed up," I said.
Oh really? Then why do you need four hours? I can't be alone in thinking this is a totally irrational amount of time to spend preparing for a dance in a lodge with a bunch of vacationing families. Even for these two. Oh! By the way, while packing for the babysitters' overnight on Shadow Island, Dawn calls out Claudia for packing her makeup. I think this book takes place not too long after Dawn's Big Date. Maybe she's still bitter.
And finally, I would like to close with another illustration, presented as further evidence of my time machine theory. She's wearing buffalo plaid and Ray-Ban sunglasses. Somebody's been reading a lot of Nylon.
I bring: more pictures. Because it is a snow day and I've yet to even change out of my pajamas. There really couldn't be a better time for me to update. I feel very close to you all after witnessing the dance attire of the last entry together. And I bring better news this time.
And slightly larger.
Seriously, doesn't this cover just embody the spirit of the whole series? Girls around a campfire staring lovingly at each other, holding flashlights under their faces, toasting marshmallows, and wearing some extremely intense American Apparel-style glasses frames? Plus, for once they are all drawn fairly true to what they looked like (in my ten year old mind, anyway). Sure, Dawn's hair still isn't nearly long enough, but at least it's not the same damn shade/style as Stacey's. And of course, they all look approximately 27 years old.
With that said, can we talk about Claudia? Because I feel like I see this outfit on my campus everyday. Minus the side ponytail, that is. I'm starting to think that Claudia was actually some sort of bizarre idiot savant who secretly constructed a time machine and spent a lot of time checking in on 2007/2008. I almost kind of love the cowboy boots. I don't think I could rock them, but our heroine is totally pulling them off.
Thoughts on the other ladies: Now, I'm a big fan of mustard yellow. However. What the hell is Stacey wearing? Why did she think yellow gold was a good jewelry choice? Sam spends the entire book pining after this?
Surprisingly, I'm totally behind Mallory's outfit choice. I don't know why, I just am. I think it's those damn big glasses. They somehow make the safari-reminiscent double breasted shirt okay. With the right pair of shoes (I would probably want to tuck the jeans into some campus boots, but that's me) this could somehow be a good outfit. I find myself quite bemused by the whole thing.
The only other sitter worth noting is Kristy, because she is also surprising me by being almost adorably cute. I always picture her in baggy, ill-fitting stuff, jeans with the bottoms rolled up (why did the illustrators rely so much on that detail? It looked horrible!) and turtlenecks with lots of pills. She is practically L.L. Bean ready in her little preppy sneakers and khakis! Cutie.
And now for some text.
"On that particular day, Claud was wearing a pink tank top over a white tank top and a pair of neon pink-and-black bicycle shorts. Also, she was wearing three pairs of flop socks [ you know what simile is rapidly approaching, don't you], arranged so that her ankles looked like multicolored ice cream cones. Her sneakers were Day-Glo yellow. [cause why not?]
Stacey was wearing a simple (for her) outfit - black leggings [there they are again. Say it with me now: leggings are not pants. Except if Claudia wears them. I'm cool with that.], a long black t-shirt with brilliant [I know she means colorful but I prefer to imagine that the starfishes' SAT results were printed on the back of the shirt] starfish swooping across the front, black flop socks, and high-tops.
'Doesn't black absorb heat?' I asked Stacey. 'Isn't that why people wear a lot of white in the summertime? Because it reflects the sunlight or something? You must be boiling.'
'Yeah, but I look good,' she replied [up for debate, sweetheart], and everyone laughed. Sometimes Stacey says things like that just to annoy me, since I couldn't care less about clothes."
They're all out to get you, Kristy.
"It's four o'clock," said Claudia.
"So?"
"The dance begins at eight."
"Yikes!" I cried. I sat up fast. "Boy, do we have a lot to do."
"Thank goodness we don't have to get too dressed up," I said.
Oh really? Then why do you need four hours? I can't be alone in thinking this is a totally irrational amount of time to spend preparing for a dance in a lodge with a bunch of vacationing families. Even for these two. Oh! By the way, while packing for the babysitters' overnight on Shadow Island, Dawn calls out Claudia for packing her makeup. I think this book takes place not too long after Dawn's Big Date. Maybe she's still bitter.
And finally, I would like to close with another illustration, presented as further evidence of my time machine theory. She's wearing buffalo plaid and Ray-Ban sunglasses. Somebody's been reading a lot of Nylon.- 30 comments • Category: Super Special
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Super Special #7: Snowbound!
As an act of contrition for the dearth of updates, I have scanned an . . . interesting illustration. We can consider it together, explore how it really makes us feel. I'm willing to bet that the answer will be "horrified."
And a link to a larger version. So. Let's begin.
It really annoys me that - hairstyle-wise, at least - you can barely tell Dawn and Stacey apart. Once you look at the outfits, it's quite clear that Stacey is the one dressed like a tramp. Also, earlier in the book she got a perm just for this dance. Judging by this picture, I would say that a refund is in order. And Dawn is wearing some horrible Laura Ashley (I don't think they specify in the book, I'm just remembering prior crimes of fashion) tea-length dress.
Mary Anne and Kristy are also wearing tea-length dresses, which I have always found kinda unflattering. Mary Anne's is so shiny and satiny that I'm expecting an 80s prom movie to break out around her any second now, and Kristy appears to have borrowed her dress from a Sunday School teacher. And she sure does look proud.
Next to Mary Anne we've got Mallory "My parents are SO unfair" Pike. Oh, Mallory. The artist's (artists'?) renditions of her are so all over the place. In some of them she is even surprisingly hot. However, that is not the case here. She may have been sedated before the dance, possibly by those wacky triplets. Her dress is too boring to even snark on. The only thing I can come up with is a half hearted crack about drop-waisted dresses being almost as flattering as tea-length ones. And maybe she just has a long torso. So I'm going to move on. (Thanks for staying with me through that.)
Jessi, I'm sorry to say, looks kinda . . . special. I think she's wearing a one-shouldered dress. Doesn't that seem a little racy for an eleven year old? I mean, she does look about forty-five, so I guess by some bizarre BSC logic it works out. With that bow on the front, she's going to be well-prepared for Mary Anne's 80s prom.
And what is with the hair?
Finally, our girl. I know you can't really tell from my scan, but I can confirm that she is wearing brogues. You are so bomb, Claud. Come to 2008! We're all paying tribute to you! She describes this look as "a black velvet knickers outfit," and knowing that this concoction is made of velvet only makes it all the sweeter. She is also wearing a blouse that is on the verge of pirate-puffy, like she had just seen that Seinfeld episode and found herself inspired ("dere diary: todae i got very enspirred"). And next to that sea of terrible dresses, she looks like the BSC's token cross-dresser. I love it.
There's no need to comment on the side ponytail, is there? Oh, illustrators.
As an act of contrition for the dearth of updates, I have scanned an . . . interesting illustration. We can consider it together, explore how it really makes us feel. I'm willing to bet that the answer will be "horrified."
And a link to a larger version. So. Let's begin.
It really annoys me that - hairstyle-wise, at least - you can barely tell Dawn and Stacey apart. Once you look at the outfits, it's quite clear that Stacey is the one dressed like a tramp. Also, earlier in the book she got a perm just for this dance. Judging by this picture, I would say that a refund is in order. And Dawn is wearing some horrible Laura Ashley (I don't think they specify in the book, I'm just remembering prior crimes of fashion) tea-length dress.
Mary Anne and Kristy are also wearing tea-length dresses, which I have always found kinda unflattering. Mary Anne's is so shiny and satiny that I'm expecting an 80s prom movie to break out around her any second now, and Kristy appears to have borrowed her dress from a Sunday School teacher. And she sure does look proud.
Next to Mary Anne we've got Mallory "My parents are SO unfair" Pike. Oh, Mallory. The artist's (artists'?) renditions of her are so all over the place. In some of them she is even surprisingly hot. However, that is not the case here. She may have been sedated before the dance, possibly by those wacky triplets. Her dress is too boring to even snark on. The only thing I can come up with is a half hearted crack about drop-waisted dresses being almost as flattering as tea-length ones. And maybe she just has a long torso. So I'm going to move on. (Thanks for staying with me through that.)
Jessi, I'm sorry to say, looks kinda . . . special. I think she's wearing a one-shouldered dress. Doesn't that seem a little racy for an eleven year old? I mean, she does look about forty-five, so I guess by some bizarre BSC logic it works out. With that bow on the front, she's going to be well-prepared for Mary Anne's 80s prom.
And what is with the hair?
Finally, our girl. I know you can't really tell from my scan, but I can confirm that she is wearing brogues. You are so bomb, Claud. Come to 2008! We're all paying tribute to you! She describes this look as "a black velvet knickers outfit," and knowing that this concoction is made of velvet only makes it all the sweeter. She is also wearing a blouse that is on the verge of pirate-puffy, like she had just seen that Seinfeld episode and found herself inspired ("dere diary: todae i got very enspirred"). And next to that sea of terrible dresses, she looks like the BSC's token cross-dresser. I love it.
There's no need to comment on the side ponytail, is there? Oh, illustrators.
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#75: Jessi's Horrible Prank
In non-BSC related news, I got linked to by a comment in Oh No They Didn't. I am silly amounts of happy about it. Haaay ONTD!
Also, Lindsay, perhaps Claudia can help you. You look horrible.*
Claudia, on the other hand, looks fantastic. At least according to Jessi she does. But Jessi considers ballet leotards haute couture, so we shouldn't take anything she says too seriously.
First off, this paragraph starts with the usual girlcrushing 'she looks like a model even though she consumes 5 pounds of chocolate on a daily basis' drivel, so we're skipping straight to the outfit. But I thought I'd let you know it was there.
"she always puts together the coolest outfits, mostly from stuff she finds in flea markets. For example, at that meeting she was wearing '50's-style cat's-eye glasses frames, a plastic barrette in the shape of an alligator, a tie-dyed T-shirt, and bell-bottoms. "
Does anyone get the feeling that Claudia dresses crazier than usual for BSC meetings, just to freak out the more sedate members of the club?
p.s. if you have not seen Kristy's Serious Case of Bitchface in the previous entry, the time is now.
* I would also be glad to help, for a meager six-figure consultation fee. Let me know.
In non-BSC related news, I got linked to by a comment in Oh No They Didn't. I am silly amounts of happy about it. Haaay ONTD!
Also, Lindsay, perhaps Claudia can help you. You look horrible.*
Claudia, on the other hand, looks fantastic. At least according to Jessi she does. But Jessi considers ballet leotards haute couture, so we shouldn't take anything she says too seriously.
First off, this paragraph starts with the usual girlcrushing 'she looks like a model even though she consumes 5 pounds of chocolate on a daily basis' drivel, so we're skipping straight to the outfit. But I thought I'd let you know it was there.
"she always puts together the coolest outfits, mostly from stuff she finds in flea markets. For example, at that meeting she was wearing '50's-style cat's-eye glasses frames, a plastic barrette in the shape of an alligator, a tie-dyed T-shirt, and bell-bottoms. "
Does anyone get the feeling that Claudia dresses crazier than usual for BSC meetings, just to freak out the more sedate members of the club?
p.s. if you have not seen Kristy's Serious Case of Bitchface in the previous entry, the time is now.
* I would also be glad to help, for a meager six-figure consultation fee. Let me know.
#74: Kristy and the Copycat
Can you even deal with this cover? I sure can't.
And, to a: the q: in the tagline: only if crimes of fashion don't count.
For a Kristy-narrated book, this is surprisingly loaded with outfit descriptions.
"Claudia settled back on one of the benches with Alicia on her lap and began rooting around in her backpack. I was guessing that she had some junk food stashed inside (Claudia is a junk food gourmet) but I was wrong. [Something tells me Kristy is gonna have some trouble sleeping tonight.] She pulled out a pair of sunglasses: the frames were plain round wire rims, but the green plastic lenses were square, stuck into the frames by their four corners. I had to smile. Claudia definitely has style, and it's definitely, uniquely hers."
Of course Claudia is coming to Krushers practice, now that it's plot-convenient. I see right through you, ghostwriters. A+ on the sunglasses, though.
Okay guys, New York Style coming up!
"Stacey had pulled back her permed [gotta mention that every book] blonde hair back with a leopard-print scarf tied under one ear. [?] She was wearing one of her favorite pairs of earrings, gold leaf-shaped ones. She was also wearing a black wrap long-sleeve top, a short low-slung skirt with a big belt, black tights, and leopard print flats. She looked extremely cool. Which of course she is."
Wow. If the ghostwriters were trying to describe a ballet wrap cardigan, I'm actually kind of on board with that. The rest of it I could take or leave.
"What can I say about Claudia? She's as cool as Stacey. But if Stacey's style is New York [it is?!], Claudia's is - planetary. Out of this world. Planet Claudia."
. . . .
"Today she was into big [that's what she said. what? I miss The Office.]: a big yellow shirt with red x-shaped buttons, enormously baggy white pants, and big red Doc Martens double-laced with black and yellow shoelaces. Her long straight black hair was pulled upon top of her head with more black and yellow shoelaces braided together. Her earrings said 'stop' and 'go' - 'stop' in her left ear and 'go' in her right."
I'd forgotten about those earrings! Excellent work, Claud. Good show, good show.
"On the theory that the clothes make the coach (or at least help), Claudia and Stacey had conferred the night before and had dressed up for the occasion. Claudia was wearing a red satin baseball cap, purple sweatpants that were cut off just below the knees, purple high-tops with neon pink laces, red-and-white-striped socks, and a red and pink tie-dyed crop top shirt. Stacey was in black bicycle shorts with neon yellow racing stripes down the sides, a pair of Nikes with matching neon yellow swooshes on the side, (but ordinary white laces [Claudia: 1 Stacey: 0]), an enormous white v-neck t-shirt, a black jog bra, and a Brooklyn Dodgers baseball cap, turned around backwards. They were both using old gloves of mine. Stacey was wearing my whistle. Claudia had this funky clay whistle shaped like a bird on a leather thong around her neck that she'd made in art class. It didn't really blast like Stacey's, but the Krushers all liked it anyway."
I'm glad for them.
Super Special #5: California Girls!
Bringing out the big guns today - this is one of my all-time favorites. I was ready to claim it was my number one, but then realized that I should NOT be rash about this. However, this outfit makes a strong case for itself.
"You never knew what kind of outfit or hairdo you'll see on Claud. For instance, on the day of this meeting, she was wearing a red shirt with Mexican hats and cactus plants printed on it, and blue-and-white-striped pants held up by polka-dotted suspenders. On her head was what looked like an engineer's cap (it matched her pants), and dangling from her ears were miniature cowboy boots, which she'd made herself."
Take that, Cory Kennedy!
At the airport in LA, Jessi notes that Mr. Schafer is really patient, a trait she is able to observe because they had to wait for "about forty-five minutes" to claim their luggage. " (This is partially because Stacy and Claudia had packed so much.)" That joke's gettin' tired, army of ghostwriters. Just so you know.
And, Claudia's demure date outfit, which sounds too painfully ugly to imagine:
"Ordinarily I would have worn some wild combination of pants and high-topped sneakers and large jewelry. But for this evening I had borrowed a very tame dress from Dawn. I think it might have been a Laura Ashley dress. It was simple - a small-flowered print with half sleeves, a regular old waistline, and a nice lace collar. Then I had borrowed a pair of flat pink shoes from Mary Anne.
I looked like a nine-year-old. Or maybe a grandmother."
Yikes. Yeah ya did.
Bringing out the big guns today - this is one of my all-time favorites. I was ready to claim it was my number one, but then realized that I should NOT be rash about this. However, this outfit makes a strong case for itself.
"You never knew what kind of outfit or hairdo you'll see on Claud. For instance, on the day of this meeting, she was wearing a red shirt with Mexican hats and cactus plants printed on it, and blue-and-white-striped pants held up by polka-dotted suspenders. On her head was what looked like an engineer's cap (it matched her pants), and dangling from her ears were miniature cowboy boots, which she'd made herself."
Take that, Cory Kennedy!
At the airport in LA, Jessi notes that Mr. Schafer is really patient, a trait she is able to observe because they had to wait for "about forty-five minutes" to claim their luggage. " (This is partially because Stacy and Claudia had packed so much.)" That joke's gettin' tired, army of ghostwriters. Just so you know.
And, Claudia's demure date outfit, which sounds too painfully ugly to imagine:
"Ordinarily I would have worn some wild combination of pants and high-topped sneakers and large jewelry. But for this evening I had borrowed a very tame dress from Dawn. I think it might have been a Laura Ashley dress. It was simple - a small-flowered print with half sleeves, a regular old waistline, and a nice lace collar. Then I had borrowed a pair of flat pink shoes from Mary Anne.
I looked like a nine-year-old. Or maybe a grandmother."
Yikes. Yeah ya did.
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#44: Dawn and the Big Sleepover
". . . even the way she dresses is artistic. For instance, she walked into school today wearing a bright yellow, oversize man's jacket with rolled-up sleeves; a wide paisley tie right out of the nineteen-sixties; orange stirrup pants; ankle boots; and huge hoop earring - and you know what? [What?!] On her, it looked totally cool."
WHY ISN'T SHE WEARING A SHIRT? I am alarmed.
And now, the outfit you've all been waiting for. Seriously, if I remember my blog comments correctly, multiple folks have reminisced about Claud appropriating some Flintstones-themed style. For those of you that have hazy half-memories of some ludicrous shit, let me bring this gem of an outfit to the forefront of your minds again. You may never be able to forget it. And if you're lacking a Halloween costume, may I suggest going as Claudia's Tribute to a Time When Dinosaurs and Humans Coexisted in Cartoon Harmony?
"Claudia greeted us at the door to her room with her hair in a ponytail on top of her head, held up by a huge barrette in the shape of a bone, like Pebbles in The Flintstones. It made her hair bounce when she moved. She was even wearing a Pebbles-type outfit - a pink, off-the-shoulder blouse with huge polka dots and a ragged bottom over black tights. On anyone else it would have looked dumb or babyish, but on Claudia it looked cool."
Dawn may want to have her eyes checked; I'm not sure even our fictional fashion idol could pull off this one. At least it's not a side ponytail, I guess. The illustrators for this series relied far too much on that particular hairstyle.
WHY ISN'T SHE WEARING A SHIRT? I am alarmed.
And now, the outfit you've all been waiting for. Seriously, if I remember my blog comments correctly, multiple folks have reminisced about Claud appropriating some Flintstones-themed style. For those of you that have hazy half-memories of some ludicrous shit, let me bring this gem of an outfit to the forefront of your minds again. You may never be able to forget it. And if you're lacking a Halloween costume, may I suggest going as Claudia's Tribute to a Time When Dinosaurs and Humans Coexisted in Cartoon Harmony?
"Claudia greeted us at the door to her room with her hair in a ponytail on top of her head, held up by a huge barrette in the shape of a bone, like Pebbles in The Flintstones. It made her hair bounce when she moved. She was even wearing a Pebbles-type outfit - a pink, off-the-shoulder blouse with huge polka dots and a ragged bottom over black tights. On anyone else it would have looked dumb or babyish, but on Claudia it looked cool."
Dawn may want to have her eyes checked; I'm not sure even our fictional fashion idol could pull off this one. At least it's not a side ponytail, I guess. The illustrators for this series relied far too much on that particular hairstyle.
Super Special #4: Baby-sitters Island Adventure
I'm skipping Super Specials #2 and #3 because I don't really remember any outfit stuff going on. In #2 they were at summer camp and wore uniforms (whatever on that one, by the way) and in #3 Claudia was really busy having a crush on that skiing instructor. I'll come back to them at a later date, maybe. I know you're cool with it.
Especially since this is the Super Special in which Claudia loses a race because of fashion.
"The race started off well (for me) since I was ahead. I had dressed properly for sailing - loose, comfortable clothing that I could move around in [California Casual], and that wouldn't get caught in anything. Claudia, on the other hand, couldn't help dressing up just a little. She is a real clotheshorse, and I guess she wanted to look good, since she knew we'd have an audience. So she'd put on a tank top and baggy drawstring pants. Over the top, she was wearing a button-down shirt of her father's. [Mr Kishi: "Dammit Claudia!"] The sleeves were rolled up, but none of the buttons were buttoned. She was also wearing big earrings that she had made herself. Claudia is quite artistic. [News to me!] So the thing is, she looked good but, as it turned out, she was not dressed for sailing.
As soon as we were on the water and had picked up some speed, her shirt started blowing around. She was busier peeling the shirt off her face than she was steering the boat or doing anything else. Then one of her huge earrings got caught on a sail and had to struggle to set it free. With the wind blowing around me, I couldn't hear anything from her boat, but I could see her lips moving and I bet she was saying some things she isn't supposed to say."
Claud is a badass. Also - suck it, Dawn. Kidding! Mostly.
"That morning I dressed sensibly for our rematch. No jewelry at all (I was not about to lose on account of earrings), and a long-sleeved jersey that I could tuck into my jeans. I even pulled my hair back and braided it so it wouldn't blow in my face.
At about ten o'clock my phone rang. I was just finishing putting on my makeup. (I didn't see how I could possibly lose a race on account of makeup.)"
"Luckily, Dawn didn't seem to need a response. She went on talking. "What, um, what are you wearing?" she asked. I could tell she was trying not to laugh.
'Jeans, a polo shirt, sneakers, and a visor. And my hair is braided, and I do not have any jewelry on,' I answered indignantly."
Actually, that part makes me laugh. Dawn, you're off the hook this time.
I'm skipping Super Specials #2 and #3 because I don't really remember any outfit stuff going on. In #2 they were at summer camp and wore uniforms (whatever on that one, by the way) and in #3 Claudia was really busy having a crush on that skiing instructor. I'll come back to them at a later date, maybe. I know you're cool with it.
Especially since this is the Super Special in which Claudia loses a race because of fashion.
"The race started off well (for me) since I was ahead. I had dressed properly for sailing - loose, comfortable clothing that I could move around in [California Casual], and that wouldn't get caught in anything. Claudia, on the other hand, couldn't help dressing up just a little. She is a real clotheshorse, and I guess she wanted to look good, since she knew we'd have an audience. So she'd put on a tank top and baggy drawstring pants. Over the top, she was wearing a button-down shirt of her father's. [Mr Kishi: "Dammit Claudia!"] The sleeves were rolled up, but none of the buttons were buttoned. She was also wearing big earrings that she had made herself. Claudia is quite artistic. [News to me!] So the thing is, she looked good but, as it turned out, she was not dressed for sailing.
As soon as we were on the water and had picked up some speed, her shirt started blowing around. She was busier peeling the shirt off her face than she was steering the boat or doing anything else. Then one of her huge earrings got caught on a sail and had to struggle to set it free. With the wind blowing around me, I couldn't hear anything from her boat, but I could see her lips moving and I bet she was saying some things she isn't supposed to say."
Claud is a badass. Also - suck it, Dawn. Kidding! Mostly.
"That morning I dressed sensibly for our rematch. No jewelry at all (I was not about to lose on account of earrings), and a long-sleeved jersey that I could tuck into my jeans. I even pulled my hair back and braided it so it wouldn't blow in my face.
At about ten o'clock my phone rang. I was just finishing putting on my makeup. (I didn't see how I could possibly lose a race on account of makeup.)"
"Luckily, Dawn didn't seem to need a response. She went on talking. "What, um, what are you wearing?" she asked. I could tell she was trying not to laugh.
'Jeans, a polo shirt, sneakers, and a visor. And my hair is braided, and I do not have any jewelry on,' I answered indignantly."
Actually, that part makes me laugh. Dawn, you're off the hook this time.
#39: Poor Mallory!
I have been lax in my duties. I would make some sort of semi-witty comparison between myself failing at updating and Claudia failing at writing above a second grade level, but by this point you can probably fill in your own joke for that one.
Claudia, Mallory would like us to know, "is so dibbly sophisticated and chic. She wears wild clothes like big hats; flowered vests over long shirts that belong to her father [I wonder how super-conservative Mr. Kishi feels about Claudia appropriating his business-casual wear into her bizarre fashion concoctions] and which she leaves untucked [GASP!]; short black pants; and then, something just a little offbeat like penny loafers from the 1950s with white bobby socks. And her jewelry. It's the height of dibble-dom. [These are the words on the page. I swear to God.] She makes most of it herself - ceramic-bead necklaces and big dangly earrings, but in shapes you wouldn't expect. For example, in my ears I am allowed to wear studs or very tiny gold hoops. Period. [oh, okay.] Claudia might wear a monkey in one ear and a banana in the other."
And then she might wear a condom in one ear and a dildo in the other. Because she's Claudia. You can't tie her down. You can't tell her what to do. And god knows you can't teach her how to spell.
Hey! Looks like I had it in me after all. Ahhh, nothing like taking stabs at borderline mentally-challenged fictional teenagers. Claud, I love ya baby. You know it's true.
I have been lax in my duties. I would make some sort of semi-witty comparison between myself failing at updating and Claudia failing at writing above a second grade level, but by this point you can probably fill in your own joke for that one.
Claudia, Mallory would like us to know, "is so dibbly sophisticated and chic. She wears wild clothes like big hats; flowered vests over long shirts that belong to her father [I wonder how super-conservative Mr. Kishi feels about Claudia appropriating his business-casual wear into her bizarre fashion concoctions] and which she leaves untucked [GASP!]; short black pants; and then, something just a little offbeat like penny loafers from the 1950s with white bobby socks. And her jewelry. It's the height of dibble-dom. [These are the words on the page. I swear to God.] She makes most of it herself - ceramic-bead necklaces and big dangly earrings, but in shapes you wouldn't expect. For example, in my ears I am allowed to wear studs or very tiny gold hoops. Period. [oh, okay.] Claudia might wear a monkey in one ear and a banana in the other."
And then she might wear a condom in one ear and a dildo in the other. Because she's Claudia. You can't tie her down. You can't tell her what to do. And god knows you can't teach her how to spell.
Hey! Looks like I had it in me after all. Ahhh, nothing like taking stabs at borderline mentally-challenged fictional teenagers. Claud, I love ya baby. You know it's true.
#36: Jessi's Baby-sitter
"My friends and I were dressed in typical outfits. Typical, but not necessarily traditional. For instance, Stacey was wearing tight black pants that reached just above her ankles, and sported a column of four silvery buttons at the bottoms. (The buttons were just for show, I think.) Over the pants she was wearing a long (past her knees) blue jacket made of soft material. [How does Jessi know? Is La Martin trying to imply that Jessi is rubbing up on Stacey? I know the junior members idolize the thirteen year olds, but that's just creepy.] Under that she was wearing a sleeveless blouse. Now that was unusual. [And by unusual, she means stupid. Keep trying, McGill.]
Claud was wearing a fake leopard-skin vest, a fairly tame blouse, and blue leggings. She had made her jewelry herself - five papier-mache [always with the papier-mache] bracelets that were painted in soft desert colors.
Mary Anne and Dawn had traded outfits, which they do pretty often. That's one nice thing about having a stepsister who's your best friend and also about your size. They were both dressed colorfully, and trendily, but not as wildly as Claud and Stace. [I love how Jessi kind of glosses over M.A. and Dawn . . . La Martin must have run out of steam after dreaming up the soft jacket and blue leggings. "They're colorful and trendy, okay? California Casual! Moving on!"]
Then there was Kristy in her jeans and turtleneck [dammit Kristy]. And finally Mal and me, also in jeans, but wearing (if I do say so myself) pretty fresh [fresh = cool, for those of you who've forgotten that the baby-sitters have not discovered drugs and alcohol yet and thus have to entertain themselves by making up annoying slang] sweat shirts. And Mal had been allowed to buy high-top sneakers with beaded designs on the sides!"
Goody for Mal. I think we'll all sleep better tonight knowing that her high-tops are beaded. One small victory for fashion-challenged eleven year olds everywhere.
"My friends and I were dressed in typical outfits. Typical, but not necessarily traditional. For instance, Stacey was wearing tight black pants that reached just above her ankles, and sported a column of four silvery buttons at the bottoms. (The buttons were just for show, I think.) Over the pants she was wearing a long (past her knees) blue jacket made of soft material. [How does Jessi know? Is La Martin trying to imply that Jessi is rubbing up on Stacey? I know the junior members idolize the thirteen year olds, but that's just creepy.] Under that she was wearing a sleeveless blouse. Now that was unusual. [And by unusual, she means stupid. Keep trying, McGill.]
Claud was wearing a fake leopard-skin vest, a fairly tame blouse, and blue leggings. She had made her jewelry herself - five papier-mache [always with the papier-mache] bracelets that were painted in soft desert colors.
Mary Anne and Dawn had traded outfits, which they do pretty often. That's one nice thing about having a stepsister who's your best friend and also about your size. They were both dressed colorfully, and trendily, but not as wildly as Claud and Stace. [I love how Jessi kind of glosses over M.A. and Dawn . . . La Martin must have run out of steam after dreaming up the soft jacket and blue leggings. "They're colorful and trendy, okay? California Casual! Moving on!"]
Then there was Kristy in her jeans and turtleneck [dammit Kristy]. And finally Mal and me, also in jeans, but wearing (if I do say so myself) pretty fresh [fresh = cool, for those of you who've forgotten that the baby-sitters have not discovered drugs and alcohol yet and thus have to entertain themselves by making up annoying slang] sweat shirts. And Mal had been allowed to buy high-top sneakers with beaded designs on the sides!"
Goody for Mal. I think we'll all sleep better tonight knowing that her high-tops are beaded. One small victory for fashion-challenged eleven year olds everywhere.
#33: Claudia and the Great Search
"'. . . I must say, though, that it's hard to believe you are sisters.'
Well, thanks a lot. I've heard that plenty of times, but it never gets any easier. Most people say it when they find out what a dud I am in school. (I can barely spell. [sigh]) I think this teacher meant, though, that Janine and I don't look alike. We certainly don't dress alike. For instance, that day, Janine was wearing one of her usual plain outfits - a long pleated plaid skirt, a white shirt with a round collar, stockings, and blue heels. Her hair is short and cut in a pageboy, so she can't do much with it. I, on the other hand, was dressed in one of my usual wild outfits - a very short black skirt, an oversized white shirt with bright pink and turquoise poodles on it, flat turquoise shoes with ankle straps, and a ton of jewelry, including dangly poodle earrings. My long hair was swept to one side in a high ponytail held in place with a huge pink barrette." I'm pretty surprised that the barrette didn't have a poodle on it.
You gotta love when La Martin uses the crutch of comparing wardrobes to illustrate how different they are.
"If I were handed a check for $250, I'd run to Bellair's Department Store and buy this really neat Day-Glo green sweater with charms knitted into it that I'd seen on sale. [Classic Claudia. I love it.] Then I'd go to the art store and buy some new oil paints, a good supply of brushes, and this great silk-screening set I've had my eye on. After that, if any money was left over, I'd hit the candy store in a bad way. Mmm - Baby Ruth bars, Three Musketeers bars, M & Ms (plain and peanut), Reese's Peanut Butter Cups . . . Oh, the possibilities were mind-boggling." And delicious.
And, to cap it all off, some bsc style for you all to enjoy - particularly Stacey's 'funky New York sweatshirt'.
"I glanced around my bedroom. Every single one of us had leaned forward. On the floor, Jessi in her jeans and ballet leotard, and Mal in a new sweater dress, were leaning forward. On the bed, Stacey in a funky New York sweat shirt, Mary Anne in one of Dawn's baggy t-shirts, and I in a Day-Glo-striped top and skintight knit pants, were leaning forward. And on the desk chair, Dawn, wearing an outfit of Mary Anne's, had cocked her head toward Kristy."
"'. . . I must say, though, that it's hard to believe you are sisters.'
Well, thanks a lot. I've heard that plenty of times, but it never gets any easier. Most people say it when they find out what a dud I am in school. (I can barely spell. [sigh]) I think this teacher meant, though, that Janine and I don't look alike. We certainly don't dress alike. For instance, that day, Janine was wearing one of her usual plain outfits - a long pleated plaid skirt, a white shirt with a round collar, stockings, and blue heels. Her hair is short and cut in a pageboy, so she can't do much with it. I, on the other hand, was dressed in one of my usual wild outfits - a very short black skirt, an oversized white shirt with bright pink and turquoise poodles on it, flat turquoise shoes with ankle straps, and a ton of jewelry, including dangly poodle earrings. My long hair was swept to one side in a high ponytail held in place with a huge pink barrette." I'm pretty surprised that the barrette didn't have a poodle on it.
You gotta love when La Martin uses the crutch of comparing wardrobes to illustrate how different they are.
"If I were handed a check for $250, I'd run to Bellair's Department Store and buy this really neat Day-Glo green sweater with charms knitted into it that I'd seen on sale. [Classic Claudia. I love it.] Then I'd go to the art store and buy some new oil paints, a good supply of brushes, and this great silk-screening set I've had my eye on. After that, if any money was left over, I'd hit the candy store in a bad way. Mmm - Baby Ruth bars, Three Musketeers bars, M & Ms (plain and peanut), Reese's Peanut Butter Cups . . . Oh, the possibilities were mind-boggling." And delicious.
And, to cap it all off, some bsc style for you all to enjoy - particularly Stacey's 'funky New York sweatshirt'.
"I glanced around my bedroom. Every single one of us had leaned forward. On the floor, Jessi in her jeans and ballet leotard, and Mal in a new sweater dress, were leaning forward. On the bed, Stacey in a funky New York sweat shirt, Mary Anne in one of Dawn's baggy t-shirts, and I in a Day-Glo-striped top and skintight knit pants, were leaning forward. And on the desk chair, Dawn, wearing an outfit of Mary Anne's, had cocked her head toward Kristy."
#31: Dawn's Wicked Stepsister
(In the previous entry, so@24 asked when Logan Bruno is going to get some love. The sad truth is: not until he starts wearing oversized sweatshirts and sandals that lace up to his knees.)
"And her clothes! Nobody dresses like Claudia. She is totally cool. She wears funky stuff like pink sparkly high-topped sneakers, or short flared skirts over skintight leggings, or wild jewelry she's made herself. She's good at pottery and is always creating earrings (she has one hole in one ear and two in the other) or beaded necklaces or bracelets."
Leggings. No comment. But seriously, if she (or Ghostwriter) had strung those items together, it'd kinda be an outfit. A ridiculous one, but I think we've established that's pretty much par for the course at this point.
Later, at a meeting, they start talking about what they're going to wear to some dance. These girls LOVE going to dances.
"'I'm wearing my pink dress,' said Claudia. 'The short one. And my earrings look like globes. Oh, and a necklace I made from candy.'
'You had candy in your room and you didn't eat it?' I said."
Snap.
(In the previous entry, so@24 asked when Logan Bruno is going to get some love. The sad truth is: not until he starts wearing oversized sweatshirts and sandals that lace up to his knees.)
"And her clothes! Nobody dresses like Claudia. She is totally cool. She wears funky stuff like pink sparkly high-topped sneakers, or short flared skirts over skintight leggings, or wild jewelry she's made herself. She's good at pottery and is always creating earrings (she has one hole in one ear and two in the other) or beaded necklaces or bracelets."
Leggings. No comment. But seriously, if she (or Ghostwriter) had strung those items together, it'd kinda be an outfit. A ridiculous one, but I think we've established that's pretty much par for the course at this point.
Later, at a meeting, they start talking about what they're going to wear to some dance. These girls LOVE going to dances.
"'I'm wearing my pink dress,' said Claudia. 'The short one. And my earrings look like globes. Oh, and a necklace I made from candy.'
'You had candy in your room and you didn't eat it?' I said."
Snap.
#21: Mallory and the Trouble with Twins
In this book, Mallory spends most of her time complaining about how dorky she is (not without good reason, I'm sure you all remember) . . . which, naturally, includes much discussion of how bomb Claud is. This entry features some serious BSC style, so be prepared!
"Now, let me get back to Claudia Kishi. She's the one who already has pierced ears, remember? Claud is the vice-president of the Babysitters Club and probably the trendiest, coolest kid in all of Stoneybrook Middle School. She's into art and makes some of her own clothes and jewelry - wild things, like socks on which she paints palm trees and coconuts; or gigantic, bright papier-mache pins and bracelets. Whether she makes her clothes or buys them, they are totally cool, and you can count on Claudia to add her own personal touches. "
Mallory is also dying to have her ears pierced, so part of her hero-worshipping includes checking out Claud's ears. "Hanging from them were little pairs of red sneakers. Cool!" She mentions that Dawn is also wearing earrings - clip-on turquoise triangles. "They were cool, too, I guess," she adds doubtfully.
"Claudia was lying on her bed with one leg propped up on a pillow. She'd broken that leg a few months earlier and every now and then, especially if rain was on the way, her leg would give her some trouble. [Betsy's legacy.] She looked absolutely great, though, pillow or no pillow. Her long hair was fixed in about a million braids which were pulled back and held in place behind her head with a column of puffy ponytail holders. She was wearing a t-shirt she'd painted herself, tight blue pants that ended just past her knees, push-down socks, and no shoes. From her ears dangled small baskets of fruit. She'd made those, I knew. She'd found the baskets and the fruits at a store that sells miniatures and dollhouse furniture. Claudia amazes me."
For whatever reason, in this book Dawn and Mary Anne are little fashion plates as well. But they are salad fashion plates - inferior to Claudia, who is both our dinner plate AND desert bowl of fashion. Mary Anne "was wearing a short plum-colored skirt over a plum-and-white-striped body suit. The legs of the body suit stopped just above her ankles, and she'd tucked the bottoms into her socks. I don't know where her shoes were. She'd taken them off. The neat thing about her outfit was that she was wearing white suspenders with her skirt. I immediately decided to use some of my hard-earned Arnold money to buy suspenders. And maybe a pair of push-down socks like Claud's. Or, if I became rich, to copy Dawn Schafer's entire outfit.
Dawn was wearing this cool oversized (really oversized) blue shirt. One of the coolest things about it was that it was green inside, so that when she turned the collar down and rolled the sleeves up, you could see these nice touches of green at her neck and wrists. She was wearing a green skirt - and clogs. I'd never seen a person actually wearing clogs, just photos of people in Sweden. Dawn was the only kid in school who could get away with wearing them. She is so self-possessed."
Deere Dairy: Why is Don so self-posessed? And why wo'nt she shut up about my twinkies? Luv, Claudia.
"Claud, Dawn, Jessi, and I began opening our presents. We opened the ones from Kristy and Mary Anne first.
'These are the things we kept buying at the mall that day,' Kristy informed us. Her eyes were shining. [Creepy!]
Well, you've never heard such squealing. The earring had been chosen very carefully, and we were all thrilled. Dawn has been given two pairs, studs in the shape of California (her home state [O RLY?]) and others that were gold loops with oranges hanging from them. California oranges, I guess. Claud's earrings looked like artists' palettes, Jessi's were ballet shoes, and mine were horses, since I like to read about them.
'Thank you, thank you!' we kept saying.
Then we opened Claud's earrings. 'I made them myself,' she announced.
Even if she hadn't said so, we all would have known. And we began laughing nonstop. Claud had collected little charms and strung together these wild bunches of minature Coke cans, eyeglasses, forks, animals, you name it, and added feathers and beads."
Oh, and in case you were wondering, the Valuable Lesson was about being yourself. Or standing up to your parents. Or getting your ears pierced, maybe. To be perfectly honest, I was more than a little distracted by all the mall visits in this one, so I'm not sure I even have a Valuable Lesson to share with you. For all the Valuable Lessons Ann M. Martin was so keen on cramming in, I'm surprised there wasn't a book in which Claudia has to go the dentist and it turns out that her teeth are rotting right out of her head.
In this book, Mallory spends most of her time complaining about how dorky she is (not without good reason, I'm sure you all remember) . . . which, naturally, includes much discussion of how bomb Claud is. This entry features some serious BSC style, so be prepared!
"Now, let me get back to Claudia Kishi. She's the one who already has pierced ears, remember? Claud is the vice-president of the Babysitters Club and probably the trendiest, coolest kid in all of Stoneybrook Middle School. She's into art and makes some of her own clothes and jewelry - wild things, like socks on which she paints palm trees and coconuts; or gigantic, bright papier-mache pins and bracelets. Whether she makes her clothes or buys them, they are totally cool, and you can count on Claudia to add her own personal touches. "
Mallory is also dying to have her ears pierced, so part of her hero-worshipping includes checking out Claud's ears. "Hanging from them were little pairs of red sneakers. Cool!" She mentions that Dawn is also wearing earrings - clip-on turquoise triangles. "They were cool, too, I guess," she adds doubtfully.
"Claudia was lying on her bed with one leg propped up on a pillow. She'd broken that leg a few months earlier and every now and then, especially if rain was on the way, her leg would give her some trouble. [Betsy's legacy.] She looked absolutely great, though, pillow or no pillow. Her long hair was fixed in about a million braids which were pulled back and held in place behind her head with a column of puffy ponytail holders. She was wearing a t-shirt she'd painted herself, tight blue pants that ended just past her knees, push-down socks, and no shoes. From her ears dangled small baskets of fruit. She'd made those, I knew. She'd found the baskets and the fruits at a store that sells miniatures and dollhouse furniture. Claudia amazes me."
For whatever reason, in this book Dawn and Mary Anne are little fashion plates as well. But they are salad fashion plates - inferior to Claudia, who is both our dinner plate AND desert bowl of fashion. Mary Anne "was wearing a short plum-colored skirt over a plum-and-white-striped body suit. The legs of the body suit stopped just above her ankles, and she'd tucked the bottoms into her socks. I don't know where her shoes were. She'd taken them off. The neat thing about her outfit was that she was wearing white suspenders with her skirt. I immediately decided to use some of my hard-earned Arnold money to buy suspenders. And maybe a pair of push-down socks like Claud's. Or, if I became rich, to copy Dawn Schafer's entire outfit.
Dawn was wearing this cool oversized (really oversized) blue shirt. One of the coolest things about it was that it was green inside, so that when she turned the collar down and rolled the sleeves up, you could see these nice touches of green at her neck and wrists. She was wearing a green skirt - and clogs. I'd never seen a person actually wearing clogs, just photos of people in Sweden. Dawn was the only kid in school who could get away with wearing them. She is so self-possessed."
Deere Dairy: Why is Don so self-posessed? And why wo'nt she shut up about my twinkies? Luv, Claudia.
"Claud, Dawn, Jessi, and I began opening our presents. We opened the ones from Kristy and Mary Anne first.
'These are the things we kept buying at the mall that day,' Kristy informed us. Her eyes were shining. [Creepy!]
Well, you've never heard such squealing. The earring had been chosen very carefully, and we were all thrilled. Dawn has been given two pairs, studs in the shape of California (her home state [O RLY?]) and others that were gold loops with oranges hanging from them. California oranges, I guess. Claud's earrings looked like artists' palettes, Jessi's were ballet shoes, and mine were horses, since I like to read about them.
'Thank you, thank you!' we kept saying.
Then we opened Claud's earrings. 'I made them myself,' she announced.
Even if she hadn't said so, we all would have known. And we began laughing nonstop. Claud had collected little charms and strung together these wild bunches of minature Coke cans, eyeglasses, forks, animals, you name it, and added feathers and beads."
Oh, and in case you were wondering, the Valuable Lesson was about being yourself. Or standing up to your parents. Or getting your ears pierced, maybe. To be perfectly honest, I was more than a little distracted by all the mall visits in this one, so I'm not sure I even have a Valuable Lesson to share with you. For all the Valuable Lessons Ann M. Martin was so keen on cramming in, I'm surprised there wasn't a book in which Claudia has to go the dentist and it turns out that her teeth are rotting right out of her head.
#19: Claudia and the Bad Joke
Boy, Betsy Sobak sure was a brat, wasn't she.
"She always wears the same kind of outfit - blue jeans, running shoes, a turtleneck, and a sweater. There's nothing wrong with that, but there are other things to wear. I mean, she could try a floppy bow in her hair or some interesting ponytail holders, or some big earrings. That's what I would do. But then, I'm not Kristy."
And thank the lord for that, Claud. Maybe my hatred of sneakers originates with Kristy Thomas. I sure wasn't put off by the turtleneck-sweater combo, because there is some horrific photographic evidence of me rocking that particular fashion statement. 'Nuff said.
"Also, I love to mess around with clothes and jewelry. I might as well just come out and say it [yes, please do] - I'm one of the coolest-looking kids in Stoneybrook Middle School. I know that sounds conceited, but everyone agrees it's true. [We never doubted you, Claud.] I wear wild clothes, such as baggy pants and sweaters, high top sneakers, and jewelry I make myself. For instance, at the film festival, I was wearing earrings made of wooden beads that I'd painted. My hair is long and jet-black, and I'm always experimenting with different ways to fix it or decorate it."
And onward to the plot, in which the aforementioned brat plays a lot of stupid tricks on her baby-sitters but is taught a Valuable Lesson by Kristy when the tables are turned and Betsy is embarrassed in front of school chums. Turns out nobody likes her, most likely because she's constantly giving them trick gum or something.
"When she got control of herself, she managed to gasp out, 'Gotcha! The fly is fake. It's in a fake ice cube! And I gave you a dribble glass!'
'Well, that's just great, Betsy,' I said. I knew that, as a baby-sitter, I wasn't supposed to get sarcastic, but sheesh. 'Now I've got apple juice all over my white shirt.'
Betsy couldn't have known it, but the shirt was one I'd made myself. I'd taken a shirt of my dad's, painted it, and sewn sequins all over it. It had taken ages to do, and the shirt was very special to me."
Boy, Betsy Sobak sure was a brat, wasn't she.
"She always wears the same kind of outfit - blue jeans, running shoes, a turtleneck, and a sweater. There's nothing wrong with that, but there are other things to wear. I mean, she could try a floppy bow in her hair or some interesting ponytail holders, or some big earrings. That's what I would do. But then, I'm not Kristy."
And thank the lord for that, Claud. Maybe my hatred of sneakers originates with Kristy Thomas. I sure wasn't put off by the turtleneck-sweater combo, because there is some horrific photographic evidence of me rocking that particular fashion statement. 'Nuff said.
"Also, I love to mess around with clothes and jewelry. I might as well just come out and say it [yes, please do] - I'm one of the coolest-looking kids in Stoneybrook Middle School. I know that sounds conceited, but everyone agrees it's true. [We never doubted you, Claud.] I wear wild clothes, such as baggy pants and sweaters, high top sneakers, and jewelry I make myself. For instance, at the film festival, I was wearing earrings made of wooden beads that I'd painted. My hair is long and jet-black, and I'm always experimenting with different ways to fix it or decorate it."
And onward to the plot, in which the aforementioned brat plays a lot of stupid tricks on her baby-sitters but is taught a Valuable Lesson by Kristy when the tables are turned and Betsy is embarrassed in front of school chums. Turns out nobody likes her, most likely because she's constantly giving them trick gum or something.
"When she got control of herself, she managed to gasp out, 'Gotcha! The fly is fake. It's in a fake ice cube! And I gave you a dribble glass!'
'Well, that's just great, Betsy,' I said. I knew that, as a baby-sitter, I wasn't supposed to get sarcastic, but sheesh. 'Now I've got apple juice all over my white shirt.'
Betsy couldn't have known it, but the shirt was one I'd made myself. I'd taken a shirt of my dad's, painted it, and sewn sequins all over it. It had taken ages to do, and the shirt was very special to me."
This is the kind of thing I marveled at. The painted sequined shirt. Oh, Claudia! So innovative. So cutting edge.
Super Special #1: Babysitters on Board!
The original . . . and still the best. (Notable runners-up include Babysitters' Island Adventure, Snowbound!, and Starring the Babysitters Club! I just won a bunch of Super Specials off of ebay and I am really looking forward to spending some serious time with them.)
"'It's - it's just like a hotel, isn't it?' I said brightly.
'A sort of minuscule hotel,' added Kristy.
'Yeah, I hope there's room for all my stuff,' said Claudia. Claudia had brought along more suitcases than anyone else on the trip. She dumped them on a bed, opened them, and began hanging things up in the closet.
'Leave some room for us!', I exclaimed."
. . . and so begins a longstanding tradition of Ann M. Martin gleefully describing just how much luggage Claudia brings on the BSC's crazy travel adventures. For a bunch of middle-class girls in Connecticut, they sure do get around a lot.
"Then the three of us got dressed quickly, but silently. Well, I got dressed quickly. This was because while I'd been lying in my bunk the night before I'd planned exactly what I was going to wear. I put on my new blue-and-white bikini and over that, a pink sundress with spaghetti straps at the shoulders and big blue buttons down the front. Then I accessorized. I tied a pink-and-blue scarf around my waist, knotting it in the middle, added my snake bracelet [YES!] and feather earrings, wound my hair up on top of my head, and finally put on these white sandals with long laces that you crisscross up your legs and tie in a bow. [DOUBLE YES!]"
I don't think I could possibly explain to you how enthusiastic I was about this outfit when I was younger. Oh, Claudia.
"'Never mind!' said Dawn. 'I'm awake.' She sat up quickly and hit her head on the springs of the top bunk. A pair of Claudia's shoes fell to the floor. Dawn frowned. 'This room is a dump,' she said.
'I don't think so,' I retorted. And just to make her madder than she already was, I got up (without hitting my head) and swept two more pairs of Claudia's shoes off the bunk."
So it turns out that Claudia has SO MUCH STUFF that they ended up devoting an entire bed to the overflow. And, as you can see, her poor shoe collection is forced to become ammunition in the continuing war of Neat (Dawn) versus Messy and Generally Antagonistic (Kristy).
"Claudia had helped me get dressed. [Apparently, California Casual is not good enough for a Magic Kingdom date.] She was in a great mood because her Secret Admirer had left her a stuffed animal at the door to our room during the night. Since she had brought along nearly every article of clothing that she owns, and I'd only brought along about one thirty-second of my wardrobe, I borrowed a few of her things. In fact, I borrowed the entire outfit. (We're just about the same size.) Parker would never know. I mean, he'd never know the outfit was borrowed, not that Claudia and I are the same size.
This is the outfit Claudia helped me to choose: a white tank top under lavender overalls, lavender push-down socks, lavender high-top sneakers, and a beaded Indian belt, which we looped droopily twice around my middle. In my hair we put lavender-and-white clips that looked like birds. I thought they were just any kind of bird, but Claudia swore up and down that they were birds of paradise. Who knows? (I think she was making that up.)"
Don't doubt the master, Dawn.
The original . . . and still the best. (Notable runners-up include Babysitters' Island Adventure, Snowbound!, and Starring the Babysitters Club! I just won a bunch of Super Specials off of ebay and I am really looking forward to spending some serious time with them.)
"'It's - it's just like a hotel, isn't it?' I said brightly.
'A sort of minuscule hotel,' added Kristy.
'Yeah, I hope there's room for all my stuff,' said Claudia. Claudia had brought along more suitcases than anyone else on the trip. She dumped them on a bed, opened them, and began hanging things up in the closet.
'Leave some room for us!', I exclaimed."
. . . and so begins a longstanding tradition of Ann M. Martin gleefully describing just how much luggage Claudia brings on the BSC's crazy travel adventures. For a bunch of middle-class girls in Connecticut, they sure do get around a lot.
"Then the three of us got dressed quickly, but silently. Well, I got dressed quickly. This was because while I'd been lying in my bunk the night before I'd planned exactly what I was going to wear. I put on my new blue-and-white bikini and over that, a pink sundress with spaghetti straps at the shoulders and big blue buttons down the front. Then I accessorized. I tied a pink-and-blue scarf around my waist, knotting it in the middle, added my snake bracelet [YES!] and feather earrings, wound my hair up on top of my head, and finally put on these white sandals with long laces that you crisscross up your legs and tie in a bow. [DOUBLE YES!]"
I don't think I could possibly explain to you how enthusiastic I was about this outfit when I was younger. Oh, Claudia.
"'Never mind!' said Dawn. 'I'm awake.' She sat up quickly and hit her head on the springs of the top bunk. A pair of Claudia's shoes fell to the floor. Dawn frowned. 'This room is a dump,' she said.
'I don't think so,' I retorted. And just to make her madder than she already was, I got up (without hitting my head) and swept two more pairs of Claudia's shoes off the bunk."
So it turns out that Claudia has SO MUCH STUFF that they ended up devoting an entire bed to the overflow. And, as you can see, her poor shoe collection is forced to become ammunition in the continuing war of Neat (Dawn) versus Messy and Generally Antagonistic (Kristy).
"Claudia had helped me get dressed. [Apparently, California Casual is not good enough for a Magic Kingdom date.] She was in a great mood because her Secret Admirer had left her a stuffed animal at the door to our room during the night. Since she had brought along nearly every article of clothing that she owns, and I'd only brought along about one thirty-second of my wardrobe, I borrowed a few of her things. In fact, I borrowed the entire outfit. (We're just about the same size.) Parker would never know. I mean, he'd never know the outfit was borrowed, not that Claudia and I are the same size.
This is the outfit Claudia helped me to choose: a white tank top under lavender overalls, lavender push-down socks, lavender high-top sneakers, and a beaded Indian belt, which we looped droopily twice around my middle. In my hair we put lavender-and-white clips that looked like birds. I thought they were just any kind of bird, but Claudia swore up and down that they were birds of paradise. Who knows? (I think she was making that up.)"
Don't doubt the master, Dawn.
#104: Abby's Twin
Remember Abby? She moved into Kristy's ritzy neighborhood (which, every narrator always painstakingly reminds us, is full of straight up MANSIONS, bitches) one book after Dawn finally decided she'd had enough of this small-town hamburger eating crowd and jetted back to California to start her own diary series that was incredibly whiny and emo yet fascinating and I am STILL bitter about the fact that it ended after fifteen books*, similar to my wrath over the rapid decline in quality of the Unicorn Club series (and if you don't remember that particular offshoot of the Sweet Valley universe, then you really missed out). Anyway, rambling aside, Abby made a convenient fill-in for Dawn. Where Dawn was annoying with her nu-hippie schtick, Abby is annoying with her, uh, punny attempts at entertaining those around her. And her asthma attacks. And her allergies to just about everything. But anyway, Abby's great. Really. And according to Abby, Claudia ranks a ten on the "Cool-Meter" for creativity:
"She's very artistic and very original. The wild outfits she wears are her own creations. That day she had on multicolored, tie-dyed painter's overalls she'd dyed herself over a blue, hand-beaded, long-sleeved shirt. Five colorful, bead-studded papier-mache bracelets clattered softly on her wrist whenever she moved her arm."
A+, Claud. A+.
* didn't you think Sunny was going to end up a heroin addict turning tricks on the streets of Palo City? I sure did. And did Ducky ever figure out what exactly his sexual orientation was?
"She's very artistic and very original. The wild outfits she wears are her own creations. That day she had on multicolored, tie-dyed painter's overalls she'd dyed herself over a blue, hand-beaded, long-sleeved shirt. Five colorful, bead-studded papier-mache bracelets clattered softly on her wrist whenever she moved her arm."
A+, Claud. A+.
* didn't you think Sunny was going to end up a heroin addict turning tricks on the streets of Palo City? I sure did. And did Ducky ever figure out what exactly his sexual orientation was?
#100: Kristy's Worst Idea
"Between Abby and Claudia, our BSC meetings sometimes become half-hour-long laff riots. Their senses of humor are different, though. Claudia's not really a comedian, like Abby. She just has the world's oddest way of looking at life. To her, the most ordinary thing is an object of art. For instance, at that Labor Day meeting she was wearing a bracelet of dyed, braided shoelaces, along with a blousy ruffled shirt that looked as if it once belonged to Captain Hook; mismatched high-top Converse sneakers; and baggy, pinstriped men's suit pants, gathered at the waist with a bungee cord. On me, something like that would look like a Halloween costume. On Claudia it looked way cool."
I know you think I might be making this one up, like maybe I felt I owed you something after some of the more recent lackluster fashion statements. (Too many vests, for one thing.) But I assure you that isn't so. These are the actual words on the page, right down to the spelling of the word laugh. Ann M. Martin apparently told the ghostwriters to kick it up a notch (. . perhaps she had been watching a lot of Emeril). "It's book 100!" she may have said. "Claudia Kishi! Bam!"
. . . On further thought, I actually think that may be the only possible explanation for this outfit.
"Between Abby and Claudia, our BSC meetings sometimes become half-hour-long laff riots. Their senses of humor are different, though. Claudia's not really a comedian, like Abby. She just has the world's oddest way of looking at life. To her, the most ordinary thing is an object of art. For instance, at that Labor Day meeting she was wearing a bracelet of dyed, braided shoelaces, along with a blousy ruffled shirt that looked as if it once belonged to Captain Hook; mismatched high-top Converse sneakers; and baggy, pinstriped men's suit pants, gathered at the waist with a bungee cord. On me, something like that would look like a Halloween costume. On Claudia it looked way cool."
I know you think I might be making this one up, like maybe I felt I owed you something after some of the more recent lackluster fashion statements. (Too many vests, for one thing.) But I assure you that isn't so. These are the actual words on the page, right down to the spelling of the word laugh. Ann M. Martin apparently told the ghostwriters to kick it up a notch (. . perhaps she had been watching a lot of Emeril). "It's book 100!" she may have said. "Claudia Kishi! Bam!"
. . . On further thought, I actually think that may be the only possible explanation for this outfit.
#71: Claudia and the Perfect Boy
"You'd be amazed by the colors that go together. Take pink and gold. You might not think to wear pink socks with gold stretch pants, and then add a gold turtleneck under a pink sweater. But that's what I did yesterday, and then I added blue jewelry. It was great! I looked like a human sunset. The outfit made me very happy."
Gold stretch pants, you say? Once again, 2007 hipsters have nothing on Claud. By the way, that outfit makes me very happy, too, despite the lack of shoe description. Perhaps when you're a 'human sunset' you don't even need shoes. I don't know.
"What good was it that I'd spent hours putting together an outfit if my mother was going to make me look like an infant before the lunch even started. (I'd settled on a long white shirt under a green tapestry vest, green corduroy pants, and low boots.)"
Okay, first of all, in sixth grade I HAD a green tapestry vest. It had cute little children in all sorts of charmingly ethnic ensembles (little Dutch girls in wooden shoes, Japanese girls in kimonos, etc.) on it. Thinking back, I kind of wish I still had that vest. Damn. Second of all - HOURS? Claudia spent hours on her outfit and wound up with that? Later she mentions 'dangly Native American beaded earrings,' which I suppose makes the ensemble a little more exciting. But still. Where are the lobster earrings and fedoras of the Claudia of yore, the Claudia who was receiving Phantom Phone Calls?
"You're not going to wear those, are you?" Kristy asked as I slipped into my new brown suede cloth pants.
"Why not?" I asked. I thought they were the best thing I owned.
"I don't know," said Kristy. "They just don't seem right for a first date."
I was not about to take fashion advice from Kristy, of all people. (Good point.) "I like them," I insisted, zipping them up.
"I don't believe you're telling her what to wear, Kristy," Mary Anne giggled.
"I know what you should wear. Those bead earrings," said Stacey.
"They didn't make a big impression on Brian," I reminded her.
"Well, this guy sounds different. And wear lots of silver jewelry. Your bangles would be perfect. And put your good silver hairclip in."
I trust Stacey's fashion sense, so I took her advice. I finished the outfit with a simple yellow button down shirt and a brown and yellow brocade vest. "Perfect!" Stacey announced. "All you need is a little lipstick and mascara."
By the time I was done, even Kristy admitted I looked nice.
God, looking to Kristy for fashion consultation is like hiring Claudia to tutor your child . . . which, I might add, the Brewers actually did when little adopted Emily Michelle wasn't developing at a normal rate. Fools. That child is never going to be able to spell.
"You'd be amazed by the colors that go together. Take pink and gold. You might not think to wear pink socks with gold stretch pants, and then add a gold turtleneck under a pink sweater. But that's what I did yesterday, and then I added blue jewelry. It was great! I looked like a human sunset. The outfit made me very happy."
Gold stretch pants, you say? Once again, 2007 hipsters have nothing on Claud. By the way, that outfit makes me very happy, too, despite the lack of shoe description. Perhaps when you're a 'human sunset' you don't even need shoes. I don't know.
"What good was it that I'd spent hours putting together an outfit if my mother was going to make me look like an infant before the lunch even started. (I'd settled on a long white shirt under a green tapestry vest, green corduroy pants, and low boots.)"
Okay, first of all, in sixth grade I HAD a green tapestry vest. It had cute little children in all sorts of charmingly ethnic ensembles (little Dutch girls in wooden shoes, Japanese girls in kimonos, etc.) on it. Thinking back, I kind of wish I still had that vest. Damn. Second of all - HOURS? Claudia spent hours on her outfit and wound up with that? Later she mentions 'dangly Native American beaded earrings,' which I suppose makes the ensemble a little more exciting. But still. Where are the lobster earrings and fedoras of the Claudia of yore, the Claudia who was receiving Phantom Phone Calls?
"You're not going to wear those, are you?" Kristy asked as I slipped into my new brown suede cloth pants.
"Why not?" I asked. I thought they were the best thing I owned.
"I don't know," said Kristy. "They just don't seem right for a first date."
I was not about to take fashion advice from Kristy, of all people. (Good point.) "I like them," I insisted, zipping them up.
"I don't believe you're telling her what to wear, Kristy," Mary Anne giggled.
"I know what you should wear. Those bead earrings," said Stacey.
"They didn't make a big impression on Brian," I reminded her.
"Well, this guy sounds different. And wear lots of silver jewelry. Your bangles would be perfect. And put your good silver hairclip in."
I trust Stacey's fashion sense, so I took her advice. I finished the outfit with a simple yellow button down shirt and a brown and yellow brocade vest. "Perfect!" Stacey announced. "All you need is a little lipstick and mascara."
By the time I was done, even Kristy admitted I looked nice.
God, looking to Kristy for fashion consultation is like hiring Claudia to tutor your child . . . which, I might add, the Brewers actually did when little adopted Emily Michelle wasn't developing at a normal rate. Fools. That child is never going to be able to spell.
I've retained a troubling amount of information about books I read during my childhood.
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